As your day, so shall your strength be

The long weekend is over. Rod and I had such a lovely time grandparenting Keiran and Lilly this weekend while Justin, Leah and Forrest went to a marriage enrichment weekend. Keiran and Lilly were so good for us, it was a busy time but I have lots of wonderful memories for the weeks to come.

Tomorrow is chemo in the afternoon and in the morning will be a Costco trip and a few phone calls regarding the transfer of my Mom to the new care facility in the nearby town. She won't be happy about going there as change and the unknown is difficult for her. As long as the financial aspects can be worked out fairly quickly, I think she will eventually learn to like this facility. I will take it one day at a time and see what my energy levels allow as far as getting out there and getting some of her things to her to help her settle in. It will all work out.

With the new chemo, I find that I have more aches and pains than I did with the old regimen and I tire quite easily. My two big toenails look like they will be casualties but I was aware that this may happen. I can't say I am looking forward to tomorrow as this time I never did get back to feeling good, even during week 3. I started my pre-chemo steroids this afternoon and I am fluid loading as directed. I'm trying to be good about my diet but I have to confess that when I am at home alone in the daytime I am not as motivated to eat well, especially when the taste of food is impacted by the chemo.

My reading for yesterday in "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young was very pertinent to what is going on in my life.

Do not let any set of circumstances intimidate you. The more challenging your day, the more of My Power I place at your disposal. You seem to think that I empower you equally each day, but this is not so. Your tendency upon awakening is to assess the difficulties ahead of you, measuring them against your average strength. This is an exercise in unreality.

I know what each of your days will contain, and I empower you accordingly. The degree to which I strengthen you on a given day is based mainly on two variables:  the difficulty of your circumstances, and your willingness to depend on Me for help. Try to view challenging days as opportunities to receive more of My Power than usual.  Look to Me for all that you need, and watch to see what I will do. As your day, so shall your strength be.

Nice to be able to rest in the knowledge that it is not my strength I am dependent on.

Take care, everyone.

The Wisdom of Children

On today's post I will share a conversation I had today with Keiran, my 2 1/2 year old grandson -

Keiran, pointing to a picture - That's Grandpa Rod.
Me - Yes, that is Grandpa Rod.
Keiran, pointing to me in the picture - Who's that?
Me - That's me, Grandma Laura.
Keiran - That was you when you had hair?
Me - Yes, I had hair then.
Keiran - Where did your hair go?
Me - Grandma had to have special strong medicine that made her hair fall out.
Keiran - Will the hair come back?
Me - Yes, my hair will grow back.
Keiran - If I have medicine will my hair fall out?
Me - No Keiran, only the special strong medicine makes hair fall out.
Keiran - If I have medicine for flu my hair won't fall out?
Me - No, medicine for flu won't make your hair fall out.
Keiran - If you have to have special medicine again, your hair will fall out again?
Me - Yes, Keiran, if I have to have special strong medicine again my hair will probably fall out again.
Keiran, matter of factly - Oh.

With his curiosity satisfied he went off to play, with a pretty good understanding for someone so young.

Given the 'all clear'

Today was my lab work and medical oncologist visit to see if I was good to go for chemo on Tuesday and by the end of my visit I received the 'all clear'. While my hemoglobin and platelets are a little on the low side, the oncologist was most impressed by my neutrophils which are in the normal range. This means that the Neulasta is definitely doing it's work and that all the associated aches and pains have been worth it.

The weather here is not conducive to being out and about but that is where I found myself yesterday and today due to my appointments. We are under a snowfall warning and have received a fair amount of it in two days and the temperature has been falling.

After my appointments regarding chemo I went to visit my Mom and then went out for a two hour lunch with Robin (for anybody from work that is checking up on us, it could be considered a business lunch as about an hour of it was spent discussing work, honest ;). I was very spoiled on the way over, Robin picked me up right at the doors of the Cancer Center and when I got in her car the seat warmer had been turned on for a bit and so was nice and toasty warm - heaven!

Following lunch I had my radiation oncologist appointment at a different location closer to the downtown area. When the radiation oncologist walked in she was accompanied by a very young looking guy who shook my hand and introduced himself as Jordan, the med student. I told him that my second son's name is Jordan. He asked me how old my Jordan was and seemed surprised when I answered with 27. He said that was about how old he was also. He was quite sweet so I cooperated with his questioning and examination, but it did kind of feel like when my boys were toddlers and they wanted me to pretend to be the patient while they used their doctor kits to treat me. In their cases treating always seemed to require them using the needle in the kit on me, usually more than once. I was spared that today. Thank you, Jordan ;)

There is a part of the pathology report that they are going to have clarified by the pathologist, the radiation oncologist felt there may have been an error in transcription. The information the pathologist provides may change my decision but at this point in time after reviewing everything currently known with them I felt the risks outweighed the benefits. My biggest risk is not a local recurrence, which is what radiation is aimed at preventing, I am at greater risk of distant metastases due to the positive lymph nodes and HER2 receptor positive status. The chemo is aimed at preventing that. It will be a relief if I don't have to undergo radiation on a daily basis in the middle of winter.

It took a bit to get home with the snow and ice covered roads adding to rush hour congestion. Once home I had a message on the answering machine that said my mother would be moved to a lodge in a nearby town on Wednesday. Not good timing for me with chemo on Tuesday. When I called the  number of the lodge that would be receiving her there were several other concerns that were brought to light, including several financial aspects. It is a long weekend here so, with the exception of leaving a few messages on the transition services coordinator's voicemail, my concerns will have to be dealt with on Tuesday.

Just in time to lighten my mood Justin, Leah and family arrived. Great fun, and more on the way in the next couple of days! I had the privilege of putting Keiran to bed. He was quite energetic and seemed to be bouncing off the walls and bed at the beginning but quickly settled after a story and my singing of a few songs to him. Haven't heard a peep from him since but I'm thinking that morning might come very early so I will go indulge in a nice warm bath and crawl into a bed that has been warmed by a heating pad (inspired by Robin's pre-heated carseat). Life is good,

Take care, everyone.

And miles to go ...

As chemo continues, I am finding that the cumulative effects are taking a bit of a toll on my energy supply and this can be a little discouraging when I look at all that I want to accomplish yet this week, prior to another chemo session next Tuesday.

Yesterday, I ran some errands and then went to see my mother in the morning. Together we managed to get some more details taken care of in regards to her move away from the lodge. Following my visit with her, I drove to the lodge and completed the final walk-through of her room with the assistant manager. As I was standing at the reception desk, I felt a hug from behind and turned to find Jane. Jane is very resourceful, a good person to give a task to that might seem daunting to others. On Tuesday, Jane was on a mission to find a fairly large number of slippers at a reasonable price to be given to and used by the participants in a married couples weekend. The facility they are using this coming weekend does not allow outside footwear to be worn inside. Jane had remembered my mother telling her of the ladies knitting group at the lodge and Jane was there to check to see if this group could be a possible source for the slippers. We walked out together, me with a small bag and Jane carrying the large bag that had my Mom's bedspreads and blanket in it, the last of the belongings from the room for me to move. As I opened the back of my car for Jane to place the bag in, I felt a need to explain the various items I had accummulated that morning on my errands, explaining that some items were due to the grandchildren coming this weekend, some were supplies required for some homemade Christmas gifts and a couple were just items that would hopefully meet some needs that I had identified in the last week or so. Jane smiled and made a remark about the busyness of week 3, she is coming to know my chemo routine well.

This morning found me at work for a couple of meetings. Once again, it was so nice to see everyone and to be treated as a member of a business team, not a patient. Following the meetings, I made a trip to get my car washed before it snowed again and stopped at a Superstore to see if they had some items I still hadn't been able to locate for my Christmas giving. As I walked the aisles, I could feel the weariness creeping up on me and was happy to pay for my purchases and contemplate home and my recliner. In the parking lot I thought I was making good progress on my way to my car, but a truck behind me didn't seem to think I was moving fast enough or in the right direction and honked, pulling around me and gunning it's motor as it passed, as if to reinforce it's irritation. Some part of me wanted to whip my wig off just to remind the occupant that all is not always as it seems and patience can be a virtue. I resisted the urge.

As I said at the beginning of my post, I was feeling a little discouraged as this evening waxed on and my energy continued to wane. How wonderful then to receive not one, but three encouraging messages from others, all within a half hour, managing to change my discouraged frown into a big smile. Once again, God is good.

Jane posted a video to Facebook today that I am adding a link for here, it might help to explain why my energy levels are being depleted without much to show for them. I hope it brings a smile. Thanks, Jane.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7Rkg-r5BR8&feature=share

Take care everyone.

Arts and Crafts

Well, it's come down to this, I spent this afternoon making a vase that makes my children's elementary school offerings look like masterpieces in comparison.

I look around sometimes at the various places that I find myself during any given week and think - 'So, this is now my life'. It can still seem so surreal. 

Back in the summer when I had more energy and wondered what I would do with my time while I was off work I signed up for a ceramics course at Wellsprings, which is a house that was built on donated land. The house is a meeting place for any and all people in the city who have received a cancer diagnosis and offers many groups and classes as well as just a nice retreat to go to during the week.

I arrived a little early as I had never been there before and wanted to give myself time for getting lost. I didn't get lost but I did get detoured by road construction so it was good I gave myself time. The house is a spacious two story with a finished lower level as well. As I entered the house a receptionist greeted me and offered to give me a tour before my class. It was very warm and inviting with some offices, a kitchen and two meeting areas on the main floor, as well as a wonderful looking deck area and nicely landscaped backyard. On the lower level were the fitness and yoga areas. I was told that the floor in the yoga room is heated, nice touch. The second floor has a few more offices, a self-serve lending library and a large crafts room. I will definitely be checking out the lending library next visit.

The ceramics class was very relaxed and the majority of us were of similar abilities so no pressure there. It was quite soothing to work with the cool clay and chat with the other participants. I had worn a scarf pulled back and fastened with an elastic, with the tails draped over my shoulder to simulate hair. Over this I had worn a hat. The ladies seemed impressed by this and wondered where I had learned this 'technique'. One also commented that the earrings were a nice finishing touch - see, what have I been telling people - bald is better with earrings ;). I seemed to be the only one there that was currently in active treatment and a newbie like me could tell by the length of the participants hair how long ago they had most likely completed treatment.

I did manage to finish my vase by the end of class and I am hoping that somehow the firing process will work miracles on it but I won't hold my breath. If that doesn't do the trick, maybe the glazing process will. Eternal optimist - that's me.

Speaking of optimism, the sun has been shining here for two days and it does make such a difference. It is somehow much easier to keep a positive outlook when the sun is allowed to do it's part.

Before my class this morning I was able to get a few loads of laundry done and sort through a few more of my Mom's things as well as making some phone calls and arranging for a change of address to go in at the Post Office for her. Here it is now 8:30 and I am seriously thinking of getting ready for bed and being there by 9:00. I tell myself this isn't too bad because there was a time change, but it really is rather pathetic, isn't it? ;)

Take care everyone.

Fait Accompli

This was the reading from the 'Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional' book by Sarah Young for today -

Walk peacefully with Me through this day. You are wondering how you will cope with all that is expected of you. You must traverse this day like any other:  one step at a time. Instead of mentally rehearsing how you will do this or that, keep your mind on My Presence and on taking the next step. The more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me. This is a training opportunity, since I designed you for deep dependence on your Shepherd-King. Challenging times wake you up and amplify your awareness of needing My help.

How appropriate! Yesterday afternoon, I spent several more hours in my mother's room packing her remaining belongings in preparation for moving them today. I was very tired by the time I got home and so grateful that I could rest for a bit before going out for the evening. Kenny was very gracious to accept my offering of grilled cheese and hot chocolate with marshmallows for supper with a big smile. I sat in the recliner and dozed off for a bit.

My evening was a time of refreshment provided by my friend and co-worker Wenda. The group 'Tenore' was singing at a church and Wenda graciously gave me tickets for Rod and myself to their performance. The details for the best way for us to attend this also seemed to be worked out by an unseen Hand. Rod was a little delayed at work so I drove there with his clothes to pick him up. We were about five minutes late for the start of the concert but this helped us to avoid being amongst big crowds of people in the lobby and we were able to go over to a seating area that was not as populated. During the intermission I stayed in my seat while Rod wandered and, not surprisingly, found someone he knew to visit with. At the end, it was like we had our own private exit - up the aisle and through some back stairs right to the exit, once again avoiding the crowds and potential germs they might be harboring. Wonderful performance by 'Tenore', thoroughly enjoyed!

This a.m. brought moving day. Caleb had to work until noon but arranged to meet us at the lodge. When we got to the room Rod and Jordan appeared suitably impressed with the packing efforts - smart men ;). We visited with several of the residents and when they expressed interest in some of the items, we were happy to deliver them directly to their rooms, rather than take them home to our house. I told Robin that now these possessions were their children's to worry about ;). Jordan used bolt cutters on the lock of the storage area assigned to my Mom and it was here that I found another treasure trove of old pictures that I will enjoy spending winter evenings going through. I felt rather unnecessary as I watched them take the loads down to the vehicles. Just as we had completely filled every last nook and cranny of the vehicles and still had a few items to transport, Caleb arrived with his truck and they made short work of the rest of the belongings.

Once home, Kenny joined the other guys in unpacking. This was followed by a leisurely Edo's lunch in the family room. I'm not sure why but I was exhausted and enjoyed being able to recline with a heating pad, closing my eyes and listening and participating in the conversation when inspired.

I love the line in the reading - "the more demanding your day, the more help you can expect from Me".  I would edit the 'day' to 'week' and then it suits perfectly to what I have experienced this week. God is good.

Take care everyone.

Life, Interrupted

The title of the post today would seem to apply to my life, and it does, but it is meant more in reference to my mother's life at the moment.
When my mother left the lodge in July I am sure that she had no idea that she would not be going back there once her hospital stay was complete. She had no time to sort through her things, they are just the way they were when the ambulance picked her up. I think most of us would feel pretty vulnerable to have others go through our things without having had a chance to go through them ourselves first.
I found myself feeling a little like an anthropologist as we went through the room. The things that were given places of prominence showed what was important to her or possibly what she wanted others to see as important to her, but it was the things that were tucked away that she may not have thought others would see that gave me the most insight into her and her world.
I began to see a pattern regarding any jewelry I found, it was never found alone but usually there were a few wrapped hard candies and at least one safety pin or paperclip in the same container. This made me smile as I began to be able to predict these items found together. Mom has a sweet tooth and much of her jewelry are favorite pieces but are missing clasps or fastenings.
As we tried to organize her belongings Ev, Jane and I would create broad categories to place things in like fasteners, this category was really stretched when a glue stick and a roll of scotch tape were added to it as well as all the many loose buttons we found.
Another common theme I found was that Mom liked to write down inspirational quotes, songs and stories and also had many of her own musings and insights scribbled down, often on odd scraps of paper and found throughout the room, tucked into desk drawers and hidden away with old bills and statements in the closet. Most were around the theme of being strong in the midst of trials and finding the source of strength, something that my Mom has had a lot of schooling in. In a way, I felt that maybe she had tucked them away with the thought that she would share them with me or others one day, which in a way is what just occurred.
Today is a day off from packing before getting back to it tomorrow. We made a lot of progress yesterday, I'm sure the others would smile at the 'we' part as it was a bit more of a sentimental journey for me and their efforts produced far more visible results than mine.

Take care, everyone.