Just before the emergency room physician called me as I was driving I had been going over in my mind how this new fall of Mom's might impact me, my work, family, the recovery process etc. Kind of selfish, eh? I had just prayed and turned over all my concerns to the Lord and asked for His peace and strength when the physician called. A very timely prayer!
After speaking to the physician I tried calling some of my family members as I drove, using bluetooth. I wasn't having much luck but was able to leave voice messages for them. The first person to answer my call was my friend Robin, just as I was pulling into the hospital parking lot. I was a little emotional to hear a voice and have someone to talk to, she was very wonderful and supportive.
The emergency area is under renovation and the entrance was not where I was used to, it took a little to figure out where I needed to go. There were no patients waiting at the triage desk and I was able to speak to the clerk at the desk right away. It was rather confusing to be told by her that my Mom wasn't registered to their area. Just as I was going to turn away a nurse came up and told her that my mother was the 'unknown' patient that was in the trauma area. When a patient arrives and is unconscious and there is no one there to positiviely identify them they use an unknown patient package to expedite care; once the patient is positively identified their information in the computer system is updated.
I was taken back to the trauma area, the nurse had explained to me how I would find my mother - she was on a heart monitor, she was intubated and on a ventilator and she had a nasogastric tube and IV. I told them that I would be able to identify her for Patient Registration so they could update her in the system and then the emergency room doctor came in. He explained that neurosurgery and neurology had both assessed her and there was nothing they could do. He asked if I would like to see her CT scan. I was able to tell him that Mom and I had discussed life support after her first fall and it was not something that she wanted - in her words 'no heroic measures'.
I asked the physician if they would give me a little time to contact my family members as well as the elders of our church prior to removing her from life support. All the staff there were wonderful and very agreeable to this. No one gave me the impression that they were rushing me, even though the emergency department happened to be full. I managed to contact everyone and, just as I was finished doing this, I received a text from Robin telling me she was in the waiting room.
How wonderful to go out and see her and receive a big hug. We sat and talked for a few minutes, she had taken time out of her day to come over even though she was having a family dinner at her house that afternoon. What an incredible friend! I encouraged her to go back and enjoy her family and as we were walking along together I saw my brother at the desk and introduced him and Robin.
I took my brother back, explaining as I had been explained to previously how he would find Mom. Not too long afterwards my two cousins arrived with my aunt, followed by two of the elders from our church. Caleb, Leisha and Paisley were next to arrive as the elders were praying with Mom.
My brother Ken said his goodbyes to Mom and left as he did not want to be there when they extubated her. I informed the physician that we were ready. They took us into a larger trauma area that they had set up chairs for us in. We waited there until they brought Mom in on a stretcher. The nasogastric tube had been removed, she was off the ventilator and being bagged and no longer on a heart monitor. The physician explained that they had given her a little morphine intravenously to ensure she was comfortable. A social worker arrived with a 'compassion cart' that had coffee and water as well as cookies and parking passes for all in the room. Once again, I was very impressed by the professionalism, care and concern that all the staff treated us with. The physician removed the tube, I was holding Mom's hand and watching the pulse in her neck. After about three minutes she started to breathe on her own. The staff were in and out but not obtrusive during this time. After a period of time the physician told me that Mom's heart was strong and that it may take a day or two so they would have the hospitalist come assess and admit her.
When the hospitalist arrived, it was the same wonderful hospitalist who had cared for her for most of the previous summer when she had been hospitalized for four months. He had recognized her name and also remembered me. He explained that he would admit her to a private room and that she would receive the best compassionate care. He expressed his condolences and shortly afterwards the porter arrived to take her to her room. The others had gradually left towards the approach of evening so it was Caleb and myself that accompanied her to the private room.
This is enough for another post, I will continue in Mom - Part 3.
Take care everyone.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Abiding
This evening I'm sharing a very meaningful devotion for me from the entry for October 6th 'Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional', -
Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons . . . anywhere.
Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.
This is all I have energy for at end of day today, fatigue is still very much a factor to be worked around.
With God's help, I am gradually dealing with the matters that must be dealt with during this time and finding unexpected sources of Joy in the process.
Hopefully tomorrow I will continue with the posts I have promised.
Take care everyone.
Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons . . . anywhere.
Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days.
This is all I have energy for at end of day today, fatigue is still very much a factor to be worked around.
With God's help, I am gradually dealing with the matters that must be dealt with during this time and finding unexpected sources of Joy in the process.
Hopefully tomorrow I will continue with the posts I have promised.
Take care everyone.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Mom Part 1
My last visit with my mother was a quick one on Wednesday, September 25th. She had just received her deluxe new wheelchair and was very pleased with it. This meant that I was now able to return the loaner wheelchair and some other equipment back to the Red Cross. The Red Cross program was an invaluable help in providing medical equipment at short notice until other arrangements could be made through AADL (Alberta Aids to Daily Living). I have been most impressed with them.
While there, I put her clean wash away, checked out her fancy new wheels, gathered up the new items to wash, the Red Cross wheelchair and was on my way. She looked a little sad as I left, I know she was wishing that I had a little more time to stay and visit.
On Thursday, Rod left for Los Angeles. He had received an exciting invitation to act as a mechanic for a customer who was in a race that went down the California coast into Mexico. He was scheduled to return from the race on Tuesday, October 1st. I spent the evening doing homework for the next days activities, described below.
I attended the Recovery Group at the Breast Cancer Supportive Care Foundation on Friday a.m.. This is a twelve week program for ten that is based on the book 'Picking Up the Pieces - Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer' by Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo. I have mentioned the book in a previous post regarding a program I attended at Wellsprings. I'm not sure why, but it was a little disconcerting to find out that I was placed in what is called the 'Older Women's Group' there, I must have been in a real good denial about my age. When I walked in the first time it was a bit of a shock to realize I fit in.
Following the Recovery Group, I drove over to work and had a new application loaded on my laptop that would ease my ability to work from home, then I was off to the University for part two of my one year followup testing for the Amber Research Study (Alberta Moving Beyond Breast Cancer) that I was recruited last year as a participant in. The week before I had gone through the treadmill part of the testing as well as core strength, flexibility testing and height, weight and other measurements.
This week consisted of handing in the questionnaires I had been given as homework, having a DEXA-scan to measure bone density, balance testing, range of motion of my operative and non-operative arms and then the dreaded arm and leg presses. I well remembered how sore my legs were last year and wasn't looking forward to the after effects this time.
Once the testing was completed, I drove home and I don't think I even had the energy to make supper, let alone eat it, I can't remember doing so anyway. I know I was thankful that I was on my own that evening and I took full advantage of it.
Saturday morning I called Mom and asked if she needed anything for our planned visit the next morning. I have learned that it doesn't matter what age most women are, they still like to look their best and my Mom was no exception. She asked if I could pick her up some new lipstick and blush (or rouge as she called it). She was very specific in the colours and brands she wanted, to the extent that she took the phone with her into the washroom to check the containers. I spent the morning gathering together the makings of a baby shower present for the next afternoon, stopped and picked up Mom's makeup and then a few groceries.
Once home, Caleb, Paisley and Charlie arrived for our pre-arranged afternoon date while Leisha attended a baby shower herself. Paisley was not a very happy baby that afternoon and we ended up going for quite a long walk during which she eventually fell asleep. We have since realized that she was cutting two teeth during this time - a good reason to be a little fussy.
When Leisha was ready, Caleb picked her up and brought her back to our house where we had a nice visit over supper. Once they left, I made it an early night.
Sunday morning I allowed myself a little lie-in, having my breakfast smoothie and coffee in bed while reading. I was just going to help myself to a second cup of coffee before getting ready to go see Mom when the phone rang. It was Mom's lodge. I was informed that she had fallen again and that she had hurt her left leg. They said that they were taking her to the Foothills Hospital. I was by now used to calls like this from the lodge and decided that I would quickly get ready for the baby shower, go see Mom and make sure all was OK (whether this meant an admission or going back to the lodge) and then try to make it to the baby shower.
Everything changed as I was driving to the hospital and received a phone call from the emergency room physician. He told me that Mom was in very grave condition and her prognosis was not good. He explained that she had suffered a massive intra-parenchymal bleed, it was suspected the bleed caused the fall, not the other way around. Neurosurgery was going to come and assess her, in the meantime she was on life support. I was a little stunned - this did not sound like the injured leg I was expecting. I even wondered if they may have mixed up their patients.
I will continue the story in my next post.
Take care everyone.
While there, I put her clean wash away, checked out her fancy new wheels, gathered up the new items to wash, the Red Cross wheelchair and was on my way. She looked a little sad as I left, I know she was wishing that I had a little more time to stay and visit.
On Thursday, Rod left for Los Angeles. He had received an exciting invitation to act as a mechanic for a customer who was in a race that went down the California coast into Mexico. He was scheduled to return from the race on Tuesday, October 1st. I spent the evening doing homework for the next days activities, described below.
I attended the Recovery Group at the Breast Cancer Supportive Care Foundation on Friday a.m.. This is a twelve week program for ten that is based on the book 'Picking Up the Pieces - Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer' by Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo. I have mentioned the book in a previous post regarding a program I attended at Wellsprings. I'm not sure why, but it was a little disconcerting to find out that I was placed in what is called the 'Older Women's Group' there, I must have been in a real good denial about my age. When I walked in the first time it was a bit of a shock to realize I fit in.
Following the Recovery Group, I drove over to work and had a new application loaded on my laptop that would ease my ability to work from home, then I was off to the University for part two of my one year followup testing for the Amber Research Study (Alberta Moving Beyond Breast Cancer) that I was recruited last year as a participant in. The week before I had gone through the treadmill part of the testing as well as core strength, flexibility testing and height, weight and other measurements.
This week consisted of handing in the questionnaires I had been given as homework, having a DEXA-scan to measure bone density, balance testing, range of motion of my operative and non-operative arms and then the dreaded arm and leg presses. I well remembered how sore my legs were last year and wasn't looking forward to the after effects this time.
Once the testing was completed, I drove home and I don't think I even had the energy to make supper, let alone eat it, I can't remember doing so anyway. I know I was thankful that I was on my own that evening and I took full advantage of it.
Saturday morning I called Mom and asked if she needed anything for our planned visit the next morning. I have learned that it doesn't matter what age most women are, they still like to look their best and my Mom was no exception. She asked if I could pick her up some new lipstick and blush (or rouge as she called it). She was very specific in the colours and brands she wanted, to the extent that she took the phone with her into the washroom to check the containers. I spent the morning gathering together the makings of a baby shower present for the next afternoon, stopped and picked up Mom's makeup and then a few groceries.
Once home, Caleb, Paisley and Charlie arrived for our pre-arranged afternoon date while Leisha attended a baby shower herself. Paisley was not a very happy baby that afternoon and we ended up going for quite a long walk during which she eventually fell asleep. We have since realized that she was cutting two teeth during this time - a good reason to be a little fussy.
When Leisha was ready, Caleb picked her up and brought her back to our house where we had a nice visit over supper. Once they left, I made it an early night.
Sunday morning I allowed myself a little lie-in, having my breakfast smoothie and coffee in bed while reading. I was just going to help myself to a second cup of coffee before getting ready to go see Mom when the phone rang. It was Mom's lodge. I was informed that she had fallen again and that she had hurt her left leg. They said that they were taking her to the Foothills Hospital. I was by now used to calls like this from the lodge and decided that I would quickly get ready for the baby shower, go see Mom and make sure all was OK (whether this meant an admission or going back to the lodge) and then try to make it to the baby shower.
Everything changed as I was driving to the hospital and received a phone call from the emergency room physician. He told me that Mom was in very grave condition and her prognosis was not good. He explained that she had suffered a massive intra-parenchymal bleed, it was suspected the bleed caused the fall, not the other way around. Neurosurgery was going to come and assess her, in the meantime she was on life support. I was a little stunned - this did not sound like the injured leg I was expecting. I even wondered if they may have mixed up their patients.
I will continue the story in my next post.
Take care everyone.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Endings
It seems appropriate that I am starting this post from the chemo chair where I am having my last Herceptin treatment.
I have titled this post 'Endings' as I also said goodbye to my Mother early Monday a.m., September 30th, 2013. Her funeral will be tomorrow.
It has been a week - in all honesty - it has been quite a year and a bit. I am very thankful to be having my last Herceptin today, I am looking forward to getting over the side effects and then, hopefully regaining more energy and moving on with life.
I plan to write a few posts over the next few weeks to relate the experiences of the past couple of days/weeks.
For now, I will go and ring that bell at the chemo desk to signify one very important ending in my life.
Take care everyone.
I have titled this post 'Endings' as I also said goodbye to my Mother early Monday a.m., September 30th, 2013. Her funeral will be tomorrow.
It has been a week - in all honesty - it has been quite a year and a bit. I am very thankful to be having my last Herceptin today, I am looking forward to getting over the side effects and then, hopefully regaining more energy and moving on with life.
I plan to write a few posts over the next few weeks to relate the experiences of the past couple of days/weeks.
For now, I will go and ring that bell at the chemo desk to signify one very important ending in my life.
Take care everyone.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Energy Management
It has been a very long time since my last post. The summer was busy, a few of the highlights included having my sister-in-law Carol, 'sister' Ev and my niece Amanda here to meet Paisley - the visit facilitated the first meeting of Paisley and the great Grandma's. Paisley was definitely the 'queen of hearts' that day :)
Justin, Leah and kids arrived the week after for a vacation here which included the Spartans Obstacle course for Justin and Leah and a couple of their friends. I am very proud of all of them for entering, following through with their training and with the race. They had excellent results. During the time they were here we also celebrated Rod and Justin's birthdays and had a Meet and Greet so our friends could get to know Leisha and Paisley. I had a very special and very accomplished little helper Sunday morning in preparing for the Meet and Greet - Keiran really knows his way around the kitchen!
It was so nice to have the garden for both visits and good weather throughout. Lilly spent many hours outside in it and formally invited me (written invitations, no less) into her world there a few times. I will treasure the tea parties we had, complete with wonderful conversations and beautiful gap-toothed smiles. Speaking of beautiful smiles, when Forrest smiles it is like the sun comes out, they are that brilliant. I would also be remiss if I did not mention the first sweet Paisley smiles I have had the pleasure of receiving over the last month.
Life is good.
My hours at work are gradually increasing. My co-workers have been very patient with me. I enjoy going into work and feeling that, in some small way, I may be contributing. My energy levels continue to be a frustration for me though and I have had to re-read previous posts on this blog, especially those regarding resting.
For anyone who knows me well, asking for help is not my forte. Recently, I had to do just that and I was wonderfully blessed to have my sister Ev take on the 'daughter' role with my Mom for a week. I could rest easy knowing that Mom's physical and social needs were very well taken care of. What a blessing!
I now know why there are entire companies devoted to energy management and conservation ;) - it can be a huge undertaking, one that I appear to be a novice at given current energy stores - or lack thereof. I sincerely hope that once the Herceptin infusions are history that my energy levels bounce back a little more - until then, as my friend Robin reminds me 'It is what it is'.
It is not helpful at the moment to be told stories of other people who seem to have sailed through their treatments, whatever their treatments may have been and have now resumed their 'normal lives'. It seems we are all different in how our bodies respond/react and treatments can vary. I certainly never would have anticipated I would feel this way this far along in this journey.
Which brings me once again to today's reading in the book Jesus Calling -
Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of the day but the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition seem out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - Giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you climb out of the mire of disappointment. I will
infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
Take care, everyone.
Justin, Leah and kids arrived the week after for a vacation here which included the Spartans Obstacle course for Justin and Leah and a couple of their friends. I am very proud of all of them for entering, following through with their training and with the race. They had excellent results. During the time they were here we also celebrated Rod and Justin's birthdays and had a Meet and Greet so our friends could get to know Leisha and Paisley. I had a very special and very accomplished little helper Sunday morning in preparing for the Meet and Greet - Keiran really knows his way around the kitchen!
It was so nice to have the garden for both visits and good weather throughout. Lilly spent many hours outside in it and formally invited me (written invitations, no less) into her world there a few times. I will treasure the tea parties we had, complete with wonderful conversations and beautiful gap-toothed smiles. Speaking of beautiful smiles, when Forrest smiles it is like the sun comes out, they are that brilliant. I would also be remiss if I did not mention the first sweet Paisley smiles I have had the pleasure of receiving over the last month.
Life is good.
My hours at work are gradually increasing. My co-workers have been very patient with me. I enjoy going into work and feeling that, in some small way, I may be contributing. My energy levels continue to be a frustration for me though and I have had to re-read previous posts on this blog, especially those regarding resting.
For anyone who knows me well, asking for help is not my forte. Recently, I had to do just that and I was wonderfully blessed to have my sister Ev take on the 'daughter' role with my Mom for a week. I could rest easy knowing that Mom's physical and social needs were very well taken care of. What a blessing!
I now know why there are entire companies devoted to energy management and conservation ;) - it can be a huge undertaking, one that I appear to be a novice at given current energy stores - or lack thereof. I sincerely hope that once the Herceptin infusions are history that my energy levels bounce back a little more - until then, as my friend Robin reminds me 'It is what it is'.
It is not helpful at the moment to be told stories of other people who seem to have sailed through their treatments, whatever their treatments may have been and have now resumed their 'normal lives'. It seems we are all different in how our bodies respond/react and treatments can vary. I certainly never would have anticipated I would feel this way this far along in this journey.
Which brings me once again to today's reading in the book Jesus Calling -
Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of the day but the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.
On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition seem out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - Giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you climb out of the mire of disappointment. I will
infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence.
Take care, everyone.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Recharging
Today has been a dull and cloudy day with rain. I still seem to be feeling the effects of last Thursday's Herceptin and my energy reserves need a good recharging.
While I am in the 'transitioning back to work' phase I am meeting with my doctor for 15 minutes every two weeks so we can take stock of how I am progressing. When I met with her on Tuesday a.m. she was asking about my fatigue levels. As we talked I like the picture that she 'drew' for me. She told me to imagine myself as having a battery that had been severely depleted and now is needing recharging. Even though I 'plug' it in every night it may only be recharging to 25 - 50 percent at this point in time, so as I go about trying to resume my daily activities my energy reserves will still be depleted sooner as there are less to draw from. It sure rings true today!
I have retired for the evening about an hour ago and, with the weather the way it is and a few other happenings I was beginning to let myself become a little discouraged - especially as I looked ahead and realized life was only going to get busier. My thoughts were running in the direction of wondering 'what if' my energy levels never returned to 'normal', could I fit everything in?
I read ahead in the 'Jesus Calling' book by Sarah Young to August 10th and, once again, it helped me to re-direct my thoughts -
Relax in My healing holy Presence. Allow me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you to discern what is important and what is not.
Energy and time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, you need to use them wisely, focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to me, saturating your mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My Word is a lamp to your feet; My Presence is a Light for your path.
Guess I'll leave the 'what if's' with Him. Time to refocus yet again and recharge.
Goodnight, take care everyone.
While I am in the 'transitioning back to work' phase I am meeting with my doctor for 15 minutes every two weeks so we can take stock of how I am progressing. When I met with her on Tuesday a.m. she was asking about my fatigue levels. As we talked I like the picture that she 'drew' for me. She told me to imagine myself as having a battery that had been severely depleted and now is needing recharging. Even though I 'plug' it in every night it may only be recharging to 25 - 50 percent at this point in time, so as I go about trying to resume my daily activities my energy reserves will still be depleted sooner as there are less to draw from. It sure rings true today!
I have retired for the evening about an hour ago and, with the weather the way it is and a few other happenings I was beginning to let myself become a little discouraged - especially as I looked ahead and realized life was only going to get busier. My thoughts were running in the direction of wondering 'what if' my energy levels never returned to 'normal', could I fit everything in?
I read ahead in the 'Jesus Calling' book by Sarah Young to August 10th and, once again, it helped me to re-direct my thoughts -
Relax in My healing holy Presence. Allow me to transform you through this time alone with Me. As your thoughts center more and more on Me, trust displaces fear and worry. Your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. As trust in Me goes up, fear and worry automatically go down. Time spent with Me not only increases your trust; it also helps you to discern what is important and what is not.
Energy and time are precious, limited entities. Therefore, you need to use them wisely, focusing on what is truly important. As you walk close to me, saturating your mind with Scripture, I will show you how to spend your time and energy. My Word is a lamp to your feet; My Presence is a Light for your path.
Guess I'll leave the 'what if's' with Him. Time to refocus yet again and recharge.
Goodnight, take care everyone.
Monday, August 5, 2013
Life Lessons Learned (and Re-Learned)
In today's post I will try to sum up some of the life lessons I have been learning over the past year. I think in many ways I am probably still in pre-Kindergarten. ;)
I find as I am getting back to work and I have less 'free' time that I need to remind myself of some of these lessons learned, they are too valuable to forget. When I begin to feel stressed and things that I enjoy seem more like chores I know that I need to redirect and refocus my thoughts and activities.
Many of the talks that I have had with Norman over the past few months have had to do with my prayer that God would reflect His Beauty in and through every area of my life and the events since praying that prayer. While I have seen changes in many areas of my life, I will focus on my garden as an example.
I have never had a green thumb in the past and yet, following this prayer it seems that the Lord has been teaching me how to create beauty in my garden, and I have to say there can be no better instructor. When I go out to the garden without focusing on all the chores that need to be done and just enjoying 'creating beauty' I love it, there is no place I would rather be. First of all I drink in the beauty and I am so grateful for what I have. Then I notice where a few weeds are encroaching on an area and I get rid of them, observing that they come up so much easier when the ground is moist and well cultivated. I notice areas of plants that are over growing and need to be pruned back in order for the full plant to flourish and I set to work, always conscious of not being too overzealous in my pruning. I also notice that different areas of my garden work better for different plants and that it would be unrealistic for me to expect to put a plant requiring a certain environment in a location that had exactly the opposite conditions and expect it to grow as it should. I take careful inventory of what seems to be thriving and what doesn't and, after a period of time sometimes decide to move a plant, to change it's circumstances so to speak, in order to help it attain it's potential. I am also becoming more aware of the importance of diversity of colours, heights and textures of plants in creating beauty in my garden, how boring if all I had were straight rows of one colour of petunia.
When it is just me and the Lord creating the beauty in this area of my life then I do not feel the pressure to impress others with 'my abilities' or the results, the joy is in the process. I also don't feel pressure that everything has to be perfect or finished, I realize that it is a work in progress and I can rest in that. So many of these lessons can translate to living life, raising children, helping others etc. I know that my focus needs re-direction when I look at my garden and start to feel overwhelmed with all the work that needs to be done or invite others over and then worry about what they will think of 'my' work. My eyes seem to become more critical then and it seems they are drawn only to all that needs to be done or is not working and I lose my joy and I also lose my peace. My focus is not on what is best overall for the garden or the visit, for that matter, but on myself and either my inadequacies or an overinflated sense of my own abilities.
This leads me to a book that I finally found the time to read in the last month and that has blessed me and reinforced these lessons from my garden - it is called 'Freedom from Performing' by Becky Harling. I think, like many people, I have spent a lot of time trying to impress others, trying to be good enough or thinking that if I did more God and others would somehow love or accept me more.
What I am truly discovering for myself, not just 'head knowledge' but a deep knowing is that God's love for me (us) is unconditional and unchanging. There is nothing I can do to cause Him to love me any more than He already does - or any less. When I can incorporate this 'knowing' into my life then there is no pressure on me to 'be somebody', I can relax in that perfect love. I find that whatever the activity my focus is on God and I am free to experience the joy in the process, not in the outcome and not in any 'pats on the back' I might get or concern over what others think of me. I am less apt to act impulsively and I can rest in His love, leaving the outcome with Him.
One evening during this weekend I turned on the TV and an old MASH episode came on that seemed to sum this life lesson up well. I have later discovered that it was MASH Season 9, Episode 18 and featured Patrick Swayze playing Private Gary Sturges, an injured soldier whose brother was also in the MASH unit and requiring care and blood. Through the process of desiring to give blood to his brother, it was determined that he had leukemia, at the period of time that the show was set, basically a death sentence for him. I find it interesting that Patrick Swayze was later diagnosed and died from pancreatic cancer and wonder whether he ever reflected back on this episode during his illness.
Father Mulcahy was expecting a visit from a cardinal and was letting himself get very stressed about preparing for the visit. He wanted the other soldiers on the base to make him 'look good' and he was becoming very impatient and critical with them. He was scheduled to give a sermon to the troops with the Cardinal in attendance and, again, was trying to impress by what he would say, planning to spend a significant amount of time working on getting his words just right.
Right in the middle of all of this comes the drama of Private Sturges's diagnosis and Hawkeye's depression on having to tell him the news. Father Mulcahy is called to minister to both of them in the middle of the night. As he does this, focusing on their needs and not his own, he loses track of time. Suddenly, he is reminded of the Cardinal and others waiting for him and, with no time to change, heads over in his pajamas and robe.
This is what he said -
I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had...
I....
I...
I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so He could be here Himself. So He could exist in the lives of those he created, in His image.
Take care, everyone.
I find as I am getting back to work and I have less 'free' time that I need to remind myself of some of these lessons learned, they are too valuable to forget. When I begin to feel stressed and things that I enjoy seem more like chores I know that I need to redirect and refocus my thoughts and activities.
Many of the talks that I have had with Norman over the past few months have had to do with my prayer that God would reflect His Beauty in and through every area of my life and the events since praying that prayer. While I have seen changes in many areas of my life, I will focus on my garden as an example.
I have never had a green thumb in the past and yet, following this prayer it seems that the Lord has been teaching me how to create beauty in my garden, and I have to say there can be no better instructor. When I go out to the garden without focusing on all the chores that need to be done and just enjoying 'creating beauty' I love it, there is no place I would rather be. First of all I drink in the beauty and I am so grateful for what I have. Then I notice where a few weeds are encroaching on an area and I get rid of them, observing that they come up so much easier when the ground is moist and well cultivated. I notice areas of plants that are over growing and need to be pruned back in order for the full plant to flourish and I set to work, always conscious of not being too overzealous in my pruning. I also notice that different areas of my garden work better for different plants and that it would be unrealistic for me to expect to put a plant requiring a certain environment in a location that had exactly the opposite conditions and expect it to grow as it should. I take careful inventory of what seems to be thriving and what doesn't and, after a period of time sometimes decide to move a plant, to change it's circumstances so to speak, in order to help it attain it's potential. I am also becoming more aware of the importance of diversity of colours, heights and textures of plants in creating beauty in my garden, how boring if all I had were straight rows of one colour of petunia.
When it is just me and the Lord creating the beauty in this area of my life then I do not feel the pressure to impress others with 'my abilities' or the results, the joy is in the process. I also don't feel pressure that everything has to be perfect or finished, I realize that it is a work in progress and I can rest in that. So many of these lessons can translate to living life, raising children, helping others etc. I know that my focus needs re-direction when I look at my garden and start to feel overwhelmed with all the work that needs to be done or invite others over and then worry about what they will think of 'my' work. My eyes seem to become more critical then and it seems they are drawn only to all that needs to be done or is not working and I lose my joy and I also lose my peace. My focus is not on what is best overall for the garden or the visit, for that matter, but on myself and either my inadequacies or an overinflated sense of my own abilities.
This leads me to a book that I finally found the time to read in the last month and that has blessed me and reinforced these lessons from my garden - it is called 'Freedom from Performing' by Becky Harling. I think, like many people, I have spent a lot of time trying to impress others, trying to be good enough or thinking that if I did more God and others would somehow love or accept me more.
What I am truly discovering for myself, not just 'head knowledge' but a deep knowing is that God's love for me (us) is unconditional and unchanging. There is nothing I can do to cause Him to love me any more than He already does - or any less. When I can incorporate this 'knowing' into my life then there is no pressure on me to 'be somebody', I can relax in that perfect love. I find that whatever the activity my focus is on God and I am free to experience the joy in the process, not in the outcome and not in any 'pats on the back' I might get or concern over what others think of me. I am less apt to act impulsively and I can rest in His love, leaving the outcome with Him.
One evening during this weekend I turned on the TV and an old MASH episode came on that seemed to sum this life lesson up well. I have later discovered that it was MASH Season 9, Episode 18 and featured Patrick Swayze playing Private Gary Sturges, an injured soldier whose brother was also in the MASH unit and requiring care and blood. Through the process of desiring to give blood to his brother, it was determined that he had leukemia, at the period of time that the show was set, basically a death sentence for him. I find it interesting that Patrick Swayze was later diagnosed and died from pancreatic cancer and wonder whether he ever reflected back on this episode during his illness.
Father Mulcahy was expecting a visit from a cardinal and was letting himself get very stressed about preparing for the visit. He wanted the other soldiers on the base to make him 'look good' and he was becoming very impatient and critical with them. He was scheduled to give a sermon to the troops with the Cardinal in attendance and, again, was trying to impress by what he would say, planning to spend a significant amount of time working on getting his words just right.
Right in the middle of all of this comes the drama of Private Sturges's diagnosis and Hawkeye's depression on having to tell him the news. Father Mulcahy is called to minister to both of them in the middle of the night. As he does this, focusing on their needs and not his own, he loses track of time. Suddenly, he is reminded of the Cardinal and others waiting for him and, with no time to change, heads over in his pajamas and robe.
This is what he said -
I want to tell you about two men. Each facing his own crisis. The first man you know rather well. The second is a patient here. Well, the first man thought he was facing a crisis. But what he was really doing was trying to impress someone. He was looking for recognition, encouragement, a pat on the back. And whenever that recognition seemed threatened he reacted rather childishly. Blamed everyone for his problems but himself because he was thinking only of himself. But the second man was confronted with the greatest crisis mortal man can face, the loss of his life. I think you will agree that the second man had every right to be selfish. But instead he chose to think not of himself, but of a brother. A brother! When the first man saw the dignity and the selflessness of the second man, he realized how petty and selfish he had...
I....
I...
I had been. It made me see something more clearly than I've ever seen it before. God didn't put us here for that pat on the back. He created us so He could be here Himself. So He could exist in the lives of those he created, in His image.
Take care, everyone.
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