Comfort

Reading from Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional - Sarah Young - October 16th -

'Look to Me continually for help, comfort and companionship. Because I am always by your side, the briefest glance can connect you with Me. When you look to Me for help, it flows freely from My Presence. This recognition of your need for Me, in small matters as well as in large ones, keeps you spiritually alive.

When you need comfort, I love to enfold you in My arms. I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it.

My constant Companionship is the piece de resistance: the summit of salvation blessings. No matter what losses you experience in your life, no one can take away this glorious gift.'

Mom's funeral was all I had hoped it would be and more. I wanted people who didn't know my Mother well or much about her life to know more of her after the funeral. I wanted people who played a special part in Mom's life to have a part as much as possible - I wanted to honour her.

Three of my cousins who 'adopted' my Mom, especially during the time of my treatment combined to give the eulogy. Cheryl began with a brief history of important dates and times in Mom's life, she also read a contribution from my cousin Kerry, her brother. Next was Colleen, who along with cousins Gerry and Phil, was mothered by my mother during her early years following the loss of her natural mother. She spoke of the relationship that developed between her and Mom over the last few years. Gerry summed it all up with the following contribution -

'Hi, my name is Gerry – I am one of Aunt Ivy’s ‘girls’

What do you do when you live in a shoe?

If you are Aunt Ivy and you have a brother with three children who are suddenly without a wife and mother, you take them in until they are healed and ready to stand on their own two feet again.

What do you do when you live in a shoe?

If you are Ivy Mae Down and you lose your husband before you have a chance to grow old together, you pick yourself up and you carry on because you have four children who still need your love and guidance.

What do you do when you live in a shoe?

If you are Mother Down and you lose a son and a daughter you still have to keep carrying on because you still have two more children to hold and love.

What do you do when you live in a shoe?

If you are Ivy Down and you fall and break a hip and shoulder at the same time and you are facing a long road back to health, you use every ounce of willpower and determination to get yourself back to as good as new as possible so that you can get back to your family and friends as soon as you can…just in case they need you.

I think the phrase “what do you do when you live in a shoe?” was one of the sayings I most often heard from Aunt Ivy.  To me it always embodied Aunt Ivy’s belief that life will throw you curve balls from time to time, but you just have to keep picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and doing the best that you can with the circumstances in which you find yourself.

We will all have our own fond memories of Ivy, Mum, Grandma, or Aunt Ivy.  I hope that we can all remember the kind, generous, loving soul that was a part of our lives and take a page from her book, “What do you do when you live in a shoe?”  In today’s vernacular, “keep calm and carry on”.'

Next my nephew Joel sang the song 'He', which had very special meaning for him and for our family. When my sister Carol (Joel's mother) was about 15 she discovered this song and she was requested to sing it at several events. Joel was unaware that this was 'Carol's song' when he discovered it at about the age of 17. Since the first time I heard him sing it, it has touched me that he unknowingly shared this special song with his mother.

Following Joel's song, the other 5 grandsons joined Joel on the platform and, from oldest to youngest, they each gave a tribute to 'Grandma'. I hadn't realized until the funeral just how many sayings my Mom had but each of them seemed to bring out another one and a different facet of who 'Grandma' was. 

I had asked if the great grandchildren could contribute some of their art to honour Mom - they exceeded the request, here is the beautiful artwork from the 'greats' -

 

We closed with the hymn 'Great is Thy Faithfulness'. I chose this hymn as the last time I brought Mom to church we sang this sang as a congregation and she sang along so enthusiastically; she 'owned' each word as she sang. 

We were so blessed after the interment to have a more than abundant lunch provided and prepared by dear friends.. Jane's comment in sending me a picture of the prepared food was a blessing also -

'I am sending you a picture of what we made just for fun as it all looked so plentiful, I think your Mom would have been proud to serve it to her friends and family.'

 I think Jane is right.

 God is good!

Take care, everyone.

 

 

 

Making Arrangements

During the morning of September 30th I mostly slept. Rod called about mid-morning and was quite broken up that he had not been there for me, I tried to reassure him that all was OK. Gayle had texted me and told me that when I was ready her and Wade would bring over some Tim Horton's coffee - no pressure, just a wonderful kind offer. I had an appointment at the funeral home for Tuesday afternoon and they had sent an email regarding what I would need to bring for the appointment. One of the items on the list was a set of clothing for my Mom, which would mean making a trip out to the lodge.

Caleb contacted me and said he was out and did I need anything. I had been sent a recent photo by my cousin Gerry and I also had a photo of Caleb, Jordan and Kenny in a group hug with Mom that I liked. I asked if he could print copies of these photos for me, I would need them for the appointment next day also.

Wade and Gayle and Caleb and Leisha arrived about the same time. As well as coffee, Gayle brought food to feed a small army. We visited for a bit. I was pretty tired and was happy to have Wade and Gayle drive me out to the lodge, rather than drive there myself. I really enjoyed the conversation we had  there and back.
At the lodge I informed the staff of Mom's passing and, while Wade waited downstairs in the lobby, Gayle and I went to Mom's room to collect what was needed followed by a trip to her mailbox to collect recent mail.

Once home, we visited for a while longer before they left - I was a very poor hostess but they didn't seem to mind that - maybe they were used to this from my chemo days. Just after they left, Jane stopped by with a food package. What a blessing to be able to quickly and easily have a meal for Kenny and myself and anyone else who showed up over the next several days.

That evening I used an app on my iPad called 'Paperless' to make a folder for the funeral arrangements and lists of things that I needed to do and then prioritized the items. I started to try to piece together different events and timing in my Mom's life and realized that I should have paid more attention to details and dates than I had. It felt good to have the lists made and a bit of a plan and I made it an early night that night.

Tuesday I had arranged to pick up my brother, Ken and take him to the funeral home with me in the afternoon. The days are a bit of a blur now but Ev and Deb came over that morning. When they walked in I had not eaten breakfast yet and had just taken a second load of towels out of the dryer, both loads were sitting unfolded on my family room sectional. They set about folding towels while I made myself breakfast and gave them a bit of Gayle's baking. Ev had brought a lazy cabbage roll casserole to add to my food supply. We went for a lovely walk along the ridge of Fish Creek park - very enjoyable, both the view, the walk and the company. After that I needed to have some bloodwork done prior to picking Ken up.

I prayed about the appointment at the funeral home. I wanted to have a nice funeral for Mom but I also wanted to stay within a reasonable budget. The funeral director that we met with was wonderful. As we discussed things, there were several items like doing Mom's hair that were supposed to be charged for that she crossed out and said they would do anyways. Ken chose the flowers and colours for the casket spray as well as the design of the stationery that would be used for the memorial book and thank you cards. Once all the decisions were made the funeral director took the clothes we had brought as well as the pictures and when she came back she had an itemized list of expenses and another bag. I looked at the final price and was very thankful that it would work within the budget I had made. Once I gave my approval, she reached for the bag and handed it to me saying 'and you don't have to worry about supper tonight, here is a frozen lasagna for you'. It was quite a large lasagna, almost as large as Ken's eyes when he saw it. I was happy to hand it over to him, I had already been blessed by all the food received from friends, it was nice that Ken could have this package.

I won't go into each of the days prior to the funeral individually, I did meet with the cemetery on Wednesday a.m. and made a trip to Costco in preparation for Justin and Leah's arrival with our grandchildren. Rod was delayed a day in returning as they had been held up at the Mexican/California border (I told him I hoped this wasn't literal). This meant they missed their flight and weren't able to get out until the next morning, he arrived home Wednesday afternoon. I also had the last Herceptin infusion on Thursday at noon. As I turned each day over to the Lord, He met my needs and everything was falling into place very well for the funeral on Friday.

Take care, everyone.

Mom - Part 3

When Caleb and I reached Unit 64 with Mom and the porter, we were taken into a very large private room at the end of the unit, away from all the noise and busyness. The charge nurse came up to me as two other nurses settled Mom in and, just as the hospitalist had done, assured me that they would give Mom the best compassionate care and not to hesitate to ask for anything we needed. There was a chair that could be pulled out into a cot as well as two other chairs and a stool. I pulled one chair and the stool over by Mom's bed and settled in beside her, holding her hand. I had my iPad with me and I have a playlist of songs that I have used many times over the last year and a half for strength and comfort. As one of the songs began to play, Faith to be Strong by Andrew Peterson, Caleb seemed to especially like it and asked who the artist was. It is actually a group called that name, not sure why they only chose one member's name but they have several songs that I enjoy listening to. We sat there together with Mom, listening to the music, surrounded by God's presence and a wonderful peace.

As the evening wore on Dan and Ev stopped by. Dan read Psalm 91 to my mother and then prayed, they hugged Caleb and I and then left. Shortly after, I suggested to Caleb that I was fine and that he could also go. He asked if I needed anything and we arranged for a couple of blankets and pillows for me, then he left. The nurse that was caring for Mom was excellent, she treated her as if she was her own family member and also treated me with great kindness. One of the nurses that came in with her during the night to help care for Mom commented that she was enjoying my music.

Mom was being suctioned and turned about every two hours but it seemed that by about 2:30 a.m. she was requiring suctioning more often. Some labwork was drawn about 3:00 a.m. About 3:40 I was debating whether to wait until the nurses were due to come in at 4 or whether I should ask them to come and suction then. As I was debating this, Mom just didn't take the next breath. My hand was on her pulse which also stopped right at that moment; her passing was that easy and peaceful. I asked the Lord to take her hand as I let go of it, then I called the nurse. Two of them came in and they verified that Mom had passed. They were very considerate and told me to take all the time I wanted with Mom and when I was ready that I could come out to the desk.

When I was finished saying goodbye I went to the desk, called the funeral home, thanked the nurses and then made my way to the parking lot and drove home. Once home at about 6 a.m. I sent some texts, emails and facebook messages before crawling into bed to rest.

I'll end this post with an excerpt from Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional - October 11th -

...Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential. Receive My blessings with open hands. Enjoy My good gifts, but do not cling to them. Turn your attention to the Giver of all good things, and rest in the knowledge that you are complete in Me. The one thing you absolutely need is the one thing you can never lose: My presence with you.

There is that word 'rest' once again. Those times where I learned to rest and to trust, especially in the last year, were a good foundation for that day and the days that have followed. While I missed Mom and also was missing having Rod there beside me to help me through everything, I was very aware of God's presence and His peace surrounding me.

Take care, everyone.

Mom - Part 2

Just before the emergency room physician called me as I was driving I had been going over in my mind how this new fall of Mom's might impact me, my work, family, the recovery process etc. Kind of selfish, eh? I had just prayed and turned over all my concerns to the Lord and asked for His peace and strength when the physician called. A very timely prayer!

After speaking to the physician I tried calling some of my family members as I drove, using bluetooth. I wasn't having much luck but was able to leave voice messages for them. The first person to answer my call was my friend Robin, just as I was pulling into the hospital parking lot. I was a little emotional to hear a voice and have someone to talk to, she was very wonderful and supportive.

The emergency area is under renovation and the entrance was not where I was used to, it took a little to figure out where I needed to go. There were no patients waiting at the triage desk and I was able to speak to the clerk at the desk right away. It was rather confusing to be told by her that my Mom wasn't registered to their area. Just as I was going to turn away a nurse came up and told her that my mother was the 'unknown' patient that was in the trauma area. When a patient arrives and is unconscious and there is no one there to positiviely identify them they use an unknown patient package to expedite care; once the patient is positively identified their information in the computer system is updated.

I was taken back to the trauma area, the nurse had explained to me how I would find my mother - she was on a heart monitor, she was intubated and on a ventilator and she had a nasogastric tube and IV. I told them that I would be able to identify her for Patient Registration so they could update her in the system and then the emergency room doctor came in. He explained that neurosurgery and neurology had both assessed her and there was nothing they could do. He asked if I would like to see her CT scan. I was able to tell him that Mom and I had discussed life support after her first fall and it was not something that she wanted - in her words 'no heroic measures'.

I asked the physician if they would give me a little time to contact my family members as well as the elders of our church prior to removing her from life support. All the staff there were wonderful and very agreeable to this. No one gave me the impression that they were rushing me, even though the emergency department happened to be full. I managed to contact everyone and, just as I was finished doing this, I received a text from Robin telling me she was in the waiting room.

How wonderful to go out and see her and receive a big hug. We sat and talked for a few minutes, she had taken time out of her day to come over even though she was having a family dinner at her house that afternoon. What an incredible friend! I encouraged her to go back and enjoy her family and as we were walking along together I saw my brother at the desk and introduced him and Robin.

I took my brother back, explaining as I had been explained to previously how he would find Mom. Not too long afterwards my two cousins arrived with my aunt, followed by two of the elders from our church. Caleb, Leisha and Paisley were next to arrive as the elders were praying with Mom.

My brother Ken said his goodbyes to Mom and left as he did not want to be there when they extubated her. I informed the physician that we were ready. They took us into a larger trauma area that they had set up chairs for us in. We waited there until they brought Mom in on a stretcher. The nasogastric tube had been removed, she was off the ventilator and being bagged and no longer on a heart monitor. The physician explained that they had given her a little morphine intravenously to ensure she was comfortable. A social worker arrived with a 'compassion cart' that had coffee and water as well as cookies and parking passes for all in the room. Once again, I was very impressed by the professionalism, care and concern that all the staff treated us with. The physician removed the tube, I was holding Mom's hand and watching the pulse in her neck. After about three minutes she started to breathe on her own. The staff were in and out but not obtrusive during this time. After a period of time the physician told me that Mom's heart was strong and that it may take a day or two so they would have the hospitalist come assess and admit her.

When the hospitalist arrived, it was the same wonderful hospitalist who had cared for her for most of the previous summer when she had been hospitalized for four months. He had recognized her name and also remembered me. He explained that he would admit her to a private room and that she would receive the best compassionate care. He expressed his condolences and shortly afterwards the porter arrived to take her to her room. The others had gradually left towards the approach of evening so it was Caleb and myself that accompanied her to the private room.

This is enough for another post, I will continue in Mom - Part 3.

Take care everyone.

Abiding

This evening I'm sharing a very meaningful devotion for me from the entry for October 6th 'Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional',  -

Remember that Joy is not dependent on your circumstances. Some of the world's most miserable people are those whose circumstances seem the most enviable. People who reach the top of the ladder career-wise are often surprised to find emptiness awaiting them. True Joy is a by-product of living in My Presence. Therefore you can experience it in palaces, in prisons . . . anywhere.

Do not judge a day as devoid of Joy just because it contains difficulties. Instead, concentrate on staying in communication with Me. Many of the problems that clamor for your attention will resolve themselves. Other matters you must deal with, but I will help you with them. If you make problem-solving secondary to the goal of living close to Me, you can find Joy even in your most difficult days. 

This is all I have energy for at end of day today, fatigue is still very much a factor to be worked around.
With God's help, I am gradually dealing with the matters that must be dealt with during this time and finding unexpected sources of Joy in the process.

Hopefully tomorrow I will continue with the posts I have promised.

Take care everyone.

Mom Part 1

My last visit with my mother was a quick one on Wednesday, September 25th. She had just received her deluxe new wheelchair and was very pleased with it. This meant that I was now able to return the loaner wheelchair and some other equipment back to the Red Cross. The Red Cross program was an invaluable help in providing medical equipment at short notice until other arrangements could be made through AADL (Alberta Aids to Daily Living). I have been most impressed with them.

While there, I put her clean wash away, checked out her fancy new wheels, gathered up the new items to wash, the Red Cross wheelchair and was on my way. She looked a little sad as I left, I know she was wishing that I had a little more time to stay and visit.

On Thursday, Rod left for Los Angeles. He had received an exciting invitation to act as a mechanic for a customer who was in a race that went down the California coast into Mexico. He was scheduled to return from the race on Tuesday, October 1st. I spent the evening doing homework for the next days activities, described below.

I attended the Recovery Group at the Breast Cancer Supportive Care Foundation on Friday a.m.. This is a twelve week program for ten that is based on the book 'Picking Up the Pieces - Moving Forward After Surviving Cancer' by Sherri Magee and Kathy Scalzo. I have mentioned the book in a previous post regarding a program I attended at Wellsprings. I'm not sure why, but it was a little disconcerting to find out that I was placed in what is called the 'Older Women's Group' there, I must have been in a real good denial about my age. When I walked in the first time it was a bit of a shock to realize I fit in.

Following the Recovery Group, I drove over to work and had a new application loaded on my laptop that would ease my ability to work from home, then I was off to the University for part two of my one year followup testing for the Amber  Research Study (Alberta Moving Beyond Breast Cancer) that I was recruited last year as a participant in. The week before I had gone through the treadmill part of the testing as well as core strength, flexibility testing and height, weight and other measurements.

This week consisted of handing in the questionnaires I had been given as homework, having a DEXA-scan to measure bone density, balance testing, range of motion of my operative and non-operative arms and then the dreaded arm and leg presses. I well remembered how sore my legs were last year and wasn't looking forward to the after effects this time.

Once the testing was completed, I drove home and I don't think I even had the energy to make supper, let alone eat it, I can't remember doing so anyway. I know I was thankful that I was on my own that evening and I took full advantage of it.

Saturday morning I called Mom and asked if she needed anything for our planned visit the next morning. I have learned that it doesn't matter what age most women are, they still like to look their best and my Mom was no exception. She asked if I could pick her up some new lipstick and blush (or rouge as she called it). She was very specific in the colours and brands she wanted, to the extent that she took the phone with her into the washroom to check the containers. I spent the morning gathering together the makings of a baby shower present for the next afternoon, stopped and picked up Mom's makeup and then a few groceries.

Once home, Caleb, Paisley and Charlie arrived for our pre-arranged afternoon date while Leisha attended a baby shower herself. Paisley was not a very happy baby that afternoon and we ended up going for quite a long walk during which she eventually fell asleep. We have since realized that she was cutting two teeth during this time - a good reason to be a little fussy.

When Leisha was ready, Caleb picked her up and brought her back to our house where we had a nice visit over supper. Once they left, I made it an early night.

Sunday morning I allowed myself a little lie-in, having my breakfast smoothie and coffee in bed while reading. I was just going to help myself to a second cup of coffee before getting ready to go see Mom when the phone rang. It was Mom's  lodge. I was informed that she had fallen again and that she had hurt her left leg. They said that they were taking her to the Foothills Hospital. I was by now used to calls like this from the lodge and decided that I would quickly get ready for the baby shower, go see Mom and make sure all was OK (whether this meant an admission or going back to the lodge) and then try to make it to the baby shower.

Everything changed as I was driving to the hospital and received a phone call from the emergency room physician. He told me that Mom was in very grave condition and her prognosis was not good. He explained that she had suffered a massive intra-parenchymal bleed, it was suspected the bleed caused the fall, not the other way around. Neurosurgery was going to come and assess her, in the meantime she was on life support. I was a little stunned - this did not sound like the injured leg I was expecting. I even wondered if they may have mixed up their patients.

I will continue the story in my next post.

Take care everyone.

Endings

It seems appropriate that I am starting this post from the chemo chair where I am having my last Herceptin treatment.
I have titled this post 'Endings' as I also said goodbye to my Mother early Monday a.m., September 30th, 2013. Her funeral will be tomorrow.
It has been a week - in all honesty - it has been quite a year and a bit. I am very thankful to be having my last Herceptin today, I am looking forward to getting over the side effects and then, hopefully regaining more energy and moving on with life.
I plan to write a few posts over the next few weeks to relate the experiences of the past couple of days/weeks.
For now, I will go and ring that bell at the chemo desk to signify one very important ending in my life.
Take care everyone.