Angels

If I wasn't already, as of today, I am a firm believer in angels!
The angels that ministered to me today were of both the two-legged and the four-legged variety.
My first angel was the pharmicist that I took my prescriptions to for meds to counteract the side-effects of the chemotherapy. They are to be taken the day of chemo and then for a couple of days post chemo. This young man was excellent; so professional and kind in the service he provided me.
The next angel was a lady in the line at Costco. Another confession is coming. One of our favorite cheat day snacks is a type of licorice that we first saw at Costco. It is australian black licorice and, if you like black licorice, it is to die for :) Unfortunately, the Costco in our end of town has stopped carrying it so if I want to 'secure a supply' I need to go to a Costco at the other side of the city. I stopped specially today on my way to get my hair cut and nabbed four packages of the decadent treat. Lineups were long but a wonderful 'angel' spied me and told me that I was very welcome to go in front of her. Her intervention meant that I was able to make my hair appointment on time and I didn't have to put back my licorice supply to accomplish it.
I've described my hairdresser in previous posts. She is an absolute angel, I have thought so from the very first time I was lucky enough to go to see her. At the end of that appointment she hugged me and I have loved her since. Andrea loves dogs and since my last appointment she has acquired another one. At that appointment she had mentioned she was considering another one and at this one I got to meet 12 week old Lola, a labra-poodle with a beautiful chocolate brown coat and feet just a little too big for her at the moment. In addition to Lola, the other girls are Nellie (I believe a bull terrier, not quite sure), Molly, a beautiful black labrador and Coco, the diva of the bunch, a pretty little pomeranian. Andrea tries to tell me that I seem to be one of the dogs favorite customers. At my last appointment, Nellie licked my toes, Molly licked my hand and Coco sat on my lap throughout. Andrea had sprayed some Febreze in the air and was playing beautiful relaxing spa music. I asked if I was going to be charged extra for the aromatherapy, spa atmosphere and pet therapy.
Today the only difference was the addition of Lola, who is very energetic at this young age. Coco sat on my lap and even turned her nose up at a treat in preference for staying there. Molly stationed herself on the floor by my side, ever watchful over me. This is a first for Molly, but it seemed that she felt she needed to stay close by this time and her presence there was very reassuring. Andrea again outdid herself with the cut and has agreed to take on the next cropped cut on August 28th. I'm going to request the 'full treatment' again ;)
Following my hair appointment I went over to my mother's lodge to get her laundry and clean/disinfect her room. I needed to do this before I go on vacation and then start chemo. Following chemo I will be immuno-suppressed and don't want to put myself in situations where I might contract an infection.
Another confession - I was laying in bed this morning wondering if I could procrastinate just a little bit longer on this task but knowing in my heart that the answer was a firm no. The last, but definitely not least angels of the day were in the form of my friends Ev and Jane. Not only did they come to help, they actually looked happy to be there! As you can imagine, the three of us were able to make quick work of Mom's room, there were times we even overlapped a little and some things were disinfected twice, for good measure ;)
As we left the room I gave them each a hug and they had the grace not to mention that the hug was firmer on one side than the other, but I couldn't resist commenting on the fact. The elevator ride from the fourth floor to the main floor had the three of us laughing. It is a fairly large elevator and we already had a few ladies with walkers riding with us. As we reached the third floor a lady with a motorized scooter was determined to get on and she made it happen, followed in the brink of time by a little oriental woman with her walker. Ev, Jane and I were pushed far to the back of the elevator, wondering if we were ever going to make it out again. Scooter lady and another walker lady behind her appeared to have an ongoing mutual dislike of each other which became more apparent as we all tried to exit the elevator. Somehow the scooter and the walker had managed to entangle themselves a little, which outraged 'walker lady'. We did eventually all make it off the elevator and I have decided that when I end up in a lodge, I want Ev and Jane there with me to ride the elevators with; they appear very dangerous to attempt solo.

Take care

Looking good

I am beginning to get very familiar with waiting rooms and they are not really my favorite places. People tend to try to avoid looking each other in the eye, there are always the usual tables with multiple magazines on them; most looking quite well read. I find that often the end of a story or a good looking recipe seems to have been torn out, making the time spent getting to that place seem to be a futile and a frustrating experience. I guess it does tend to take your mind off the reason for being there.
The lab was quite behind in their appointments this morning and I had a few tense moments wondering if I was going to be called in time to make it to my postop appointment with my surgeon. I shouldn't have been too concerned, once I made it to the surgeon's office I had at least a half an hour's wait past the scheduled appointment time. At first I decided not to bother trying to read either my Kindle or a magazine but as the waiting period grew I ended up picking up a Reader's Digest  that was fairly current and leafing through that.
Once in the examining room the surgeon reviewed the pathology report again and I got the 'could be better, but could always be worse' story, which is true. I am very glad I listened to the little voice on June 4th that told me I needed to phone that day and set things in motion or it appears things could have been much worse. Thankful!
He had a look at the incision and this time, there was no need for him to qualify his statement of  'that looks really good'. I am pleased, I have healed very well with no complications. Rod and I like to credit that to the protein smoothies he has been blending up for me every morning - they are comprised of whey protein isolate, spinach, avocado, blueberries and almond milk, all served with love. They are kind of a weird bluish green colour but if you can get beyond that they are really very good and in a way, drinking them makes me feel very righteous.
We went out for lunch to Moxie's following the appointment. The meal was fantastic. We shared some sauteed mushrooms and I had a mango chipotle grilled chicken breast, substituting the side of rice for extra vegetables; Rod had a steak and substituted his potato for extra vegetables. Very enjoyable!
Once done there, it was Costco Monday and since we will be visiting our grandchildren next week, we did a little extra damage to the budget :)

I now have a wig-fitting appointment on Wednesday afternoon at 2 p.m. That should be interesting. I am hoping they are able to find something for me that doesn't look like a wig, feels comfortable on my head, not too hot and doesn't make me look like someone I will have to introduce myself to, unless that person looks like Raquel Welch. Not too demanding, am I?

Lots more to do before the weekend.

Take care, everyone.

A Look Forward ... and Backward

Today Rod and I visited my mother at the hospital again. As I suspected last time I was there, she is showing signs of congestive heart failure and they have her on a fluid restriction, there could be a renal component involved in the fluid restriction also. She is a little discouraged at the lack of progress; she would really like to be able to return to the lodge she lives at but knows that this is not a possibility at the moment.
Following our visit with her, we went and walked for quite a distance along a river pathway close to the hospital. It was a wonderful walk, there were many people out enjoying the water, the weather and the pathways. It was a great break; we will need to remember to make the opportunity to enjoy the many scenic pathways our city offers in the months ahead.

The week ahead will be a busy one. I am looking forward to -

• My postop appointment with the surgeon tomorrow and preop bloodwork required for the port insertion
• Another hair appointment with my hairstylist on Tuesday, the last normal cut before the one I will book for two weeks post-chemo where I will ask her to crop it all off
• I plan to try to go for a wig fitting this week, I have a prescription from the oncologist that will help to cover part of the cost through my work insurance plan
• I also have prescriptions for meds I need to get filled, they are to help with the side effects of the chemo, I will need to have them in place for August 13th
• I have a MUGA scan for my heart on Wednesday a.m., I am told this will take about two hours. This is so they have a baseline of my cardiac function to compare against while I am having chemo
• I will need to be as prepared as possible for our vacation in regards to cleaning the house and packing prior to the port insertion as I will have limited use of my left arm for the first few days following it and my right arm is still not completely back to full range of motion yet
• Thursday brings the port insertion in the morning, I am told I will be at the hospital 3 - 4 hours for the procedure and the recovery afterwards
• Friday is a chemo class that I need to attend before I leave so I know what to expect, where to go etc.
• Saturday we plan to leave on our vacation
• Sunday we will celebrate my oldest son Justin's birthday with his family at their home in B.C., following this all of us will be heading down into northern Washington for the week

Now for a quick look backward.
Back when I had the mammogram and I knew that things weren't looking good, I was sitting in the dressing area waiting to go into the ultrasound and I could feel the fear clutching at my throat. At that time I prayed and placed myself in God's hands and I asked that He would be with me and that His will would be done. I asked that if I needed to go through this situation that He would use me however He chose to help others. By the time I went into the ultrasound I felt I had peace, it was still not easy for me but the fear was gone.
As I go forward once again, the fear would like to return and find a place within me to reside, but as long as I continue to place myself in God's hands each day it cannot find a home and must move on. As I go through each of the procedures I will ask God to guide the hands of all my caregivers, I can feel secure in doing this, I have full confidence in my God.

Take care.

Hope

Today's title comes from a discussion I was having at brunch this a.m. and also from a reading from the devotional book "Jesus Calling", I read it the other day and once again, it seemed to be the right thing at the right time for me.
We started the morning pretty laid back, I tend to be awake at 5:30 a.m. so I did some reading and then we had a lazy breakfast in bed before beginning on our day. Some very good friends are visiting their family in Calgary, they are from St. Louis, Missouri so we arranged to get together for brunch this a.m. Brunch was fantastic, there were pancakes with a blueberry compote and real whipped cream to top them off, bacon and sausages, poached eggs and fruit salad; they outdid themselves in their preparations and I didn't see anything left on any of the plates people were bringing back to the kitchen.
While we were visiting Trish, Kris and I started talking about naming babies and how babies seem to grow into their names. Trish shared that when she was pregnant with her daughter, she thought she would call her Charlotte (I think that's what she said anyway, I might have the name wrong ;). When the baby was born, the name just didn't seem to fit, but Nicole did and so it still does! :)
I said that I had picked out Hope Elizabeth but none of my four boys fit that name either ;)
I'm not sure why the name of Hope appeals to me so much, but if I had ever had a girl, that is what I wanted to call her.
This is the reading from the book 'Jesus Calling' referring to Hope -

'Hope is a golden cord connecting you to heaven. This cord helps you hold your head up high, even when multiple trials are buffeting you. I never leave your side, and I never let go of your hand. But without the cord of hope, your head may slump and your feet may shuffle as you journey uphill with Me. Hope lifts your perspective from your weary feet to the glorious view you can see from the high road. You are reminded that the road we're traveling together is ultimately a highway to heaven. When you consider this radiant destination, the roughness or smoothness of the road ahead becomes much less significant. I am training you to hold in your heart a dual focus: My continual Presence and the hope of heaven.'

Following our wonderful brunch, we met a few other people for a quick coffee and catch up and now we are waiting for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law to come and visit us.
A very nice way to spend a Saturday, indeed!

Take care

Long Day

This has been a long day and it is good to be home. This post is a little late but my priority when I got home finally was eating, not writing.
There are some days where things just don't go as smoothly as they do on my calendar when I make my plans. Originally, my plans for today were to meet my co-workers for lunch. After Wednesday's meeting with the oncologist, I ended up with a test booked for this a.m. at 11:15. I was told the test would take 30 minutes, so this still seemed to work out. I added the test to my calendar and fasted according to the instructions given by the Cancer Center (turns out the radiology clinic told me I could have had clear fluids, which may have helped). I also had my appointment with the GP specializing in oncology on my calendar for 3:00 p.m.
It looked like an OK type of day - on paper.
I did a little housework prior to the test, then planned to arrive slightly early, just in case they were able to accommodate me a little earlier (in my mind this would facilitate the lunch I was so looking forward to with my co-workers).
I checked in at 11:00 and they called me back right on time at 11:15. I changed and then waited, I'm afraid not very patiently. At 11:40 they took me into the room and then started the abdominal ultrasound. The reason for the ultrasound was that my CT scan was reviewed again and they said there was a spot they wanted to check out on the spleen. The tech did the full abdominal ultrasound and I got very good at holding my breath over and over again while she went over every inch of my abdominal organs in minute detail. At 12:20 she seemed satisfied and told me she was going to go talk to the radiologist. When she came back she wanted more pictures of the spleen, this time I got to turn on my side so I could see the monitor. I'm really not sure how they know what they are looking at but I held my breath again whenever she asked and watched her take more pictures and mark them. After about 10 minutes she went out again and then came back and said the radiologist had what he needed and I was free to go.
I had been in contact with my co-workers while the tech spoke to the radiologist. By the time I was done and changed it was almost one so they suggested I just come over to the office building and visit with them there.
When I arrived Robin was waiting for me in the lobby and I received a very much needed hug, then we walked to the elevators and chatted about the ultrasound as we made our way to the third floor.
Once on the third floor there was lots of visiting to do; I was very pleased to be included in lots of work conversation, it made me feel so good to be back in this familiar environment! They also had goodies and I was very hungry by then. I 'stole' a slice of watermelon, and two delicious dessert items (more cheating on my husband to confess ;)
I didn't want to leave but knew that I had my next appointment across the city so made my way over there.
I was still hungry and also thirsty. I thought maybe there would be a store in the building where the doctor's office was, but once there I couldn't find anything so I made my way to the office and checked in.
I am getting very good at filling out forms and I am sure that I will soon have all my health care and pertinent numbers memorized. Once done with that part of the process, I waited. And waited. Stomach growling, mouth drying out from thirst. Thinking better of not having stopped somewhere along the way and getting something.
At 3:50 I was finally called in to see the doctor.
She was wonderful and more than made up for the wait. So far she has been the one medical person who seemed to have time and took that time to see how I was really doing and to explain and answer any questions I had. She seemed to genuinely want to know what I was feeling, what was concerning me and just talking through everything, and I do mean everything.
We talked about the ultrasound. She confirmed for me that they don't biopsy spleens and if something did show up, they would basically treat it as a baseline; go ahead with all the treatment as planned and then perform the tests again, possibly during treatment and then after, using the baseline views to compare new results against. This was reassuring to me.
We discussed my concerns about the port prior to vacation. I am feeling much better about it now.
We also discussed hair. She highly advised controlling what I could and planning to shave my head at about two weeks post initial chemo. I will plan to do this, making sure I have some scarves, turbans and hopefully a wig that doesn't make me look like I am a drag queen at the ready.
I forgot all about my stomach and thirst while we talked; we arranged some follow-up appointments on the week three of the chemo cycles and she told me she was going to call me on August 20th just to check in on me also.
Did I say already that the visit with her was worth the wait?
Left her office after 5:00 and then the fatigue, thirst and hunger hit as I drove home.
I am now happily reclining, thirst quenched, stomach full and watching a re-run of the Olympic Opening ceremonies from earlier today.
Looks like a good evening ahead.

Take care.

My Favorite Things

This post was originally going to be titled 'Singing in the Rain' but then I received a wonderful letter in the mail, once again from my grandchildren. On the envelope it stated that the theme for this letter and contents was 'My Favorite Things'. I decided that title would be more appropriate.
My daughter-in-law asked the kids to draw and write (or dictate as the case may be ;) what their favorite thing about me or to do with me was. Since Forrest is only 5 months old, he had a lot of help from his mother but said that he enjoyed dancing with me while I sang to him. Keiran dictated to his mother that he liked me to sing songs to him and more songs(young grandchildren can be such appreciative audiences no matter how bad the singing might be) and also loves when I play with him with my iPad and downstairs in their play area . Lilly tells me that she loves that I love her, that I am her grandma and she loves that I am funny; all written and illustrated by her. Wow!
Once again, what a wonderful and timely reminder to me. When the song 'My Favorite Things' was sung in 'The Sound of Music' it was during a thunderstorm and the children were frightened. Listing their favorite things helped the children to take their minds off of what was frightening them. I'm sure my wise daughter-in-law had a message for me in providing this activity for the children; directing me to focus on the good things that I enjoy rather than on the scary things that frighten me. They are all definitely way up there on the favorite people part of my favorite things list!
Today was a bit of a break from all the appointments before it all starts up again tomorrow.
I had coffee with one of my co-workers, a very nice and relaxed time to catch up on all that has been happening in each other's worlds. I thoroughly enjoyed our visit.
Coffee was followed by a visit to see my Mom at the hospital. She isn't doing as well as I would like, she is still in isolation for the C. Diff and she seems a little confused, possibly partially by the infection and partially by the fact that she has been in isolation so long and so has not had as much interaction with the staff and other patients as she might have otherwise.
When I got home there were a couple of messages for me on the phone regarding appointments. One was the date for my port-a-cath insertion. This will happen on August 2nd so I will have a couple of days to get used to it and allow for healing before we start out on our vacation. I need yet more labwork done three days before the insertion and I will once again get to be 'nothing by mouth' from midnight on that day. (I'm also 'nothing by mouth' tonight before tomorrow's scan, starting to become the 'new norm' for me).
For some reason the port-a-cath is something that scares me a little. How appropriate then that Kenny should bring me the mail at that point with the letters from my grandchildren to remind me of my favorite things. He also had received a flower delivery for me (beautiful)from one of the teams at work that our team has worked with fairly closely. In addition, there were a couple of lovely cards. To cap it all off I was visited by the beautiful lady I call 'my daughter' who kindly calls me Mom in response, even when she has brought her own Mom with her to see me today.
This all reminded me once again of how blessed I am to have so many people around to help keep me focused  on the positive when my mind might want to dwell on the negative.
Thank you all for your support!

Take care

Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore ...

That's how I was feeling while I was at the medical oncologist's appointment this afternoon.
This is a whole new world that I have entered.
I liked both the oncologist and the nurse that works closely with her, turns out the nurse lives not too far from us in our neighbourhood.
I was asked to fill out some forms when we arrived for the appointment and then the nurse did my height, weight and vital signs followed by a thorough history. After this she went and reviewed everything with the oncologist prior to the oncologist coming to speak with me.
The oncologist introduced herself and asked her own questions followed by an examination.
Then she sat down with us and went over the pathology and the proposed treatment plan. Apparently, there is a 50% chance of recurrence without any treatment. With the recommended treatment the possibility of recurrence drops to 15%.
Recommended treatment starts with chemo. They had initially set me up to start the week of August 7th but when they were told of my vacation plans, this has now been changed to August 13th. Prior to that I need to have a couple of scans and there is a possibility that I will have a port inserted before going away on vacation; if not they will try to get me in on August 13th for this.
I will also be scheduled to see the radiation oncologist for a consult, as well as a genetic oncologist.
At the moment, chemo will involve 3 cycles (one cycle every three weeks) of one 'cocktail', followed by three of another cocktail, chased with an additional 14 three week cycles of just one of the medications. They are going to do one more check of the surgical pathology so this could change after the initial three cycles.
I was given requisitions for the scans as well as one for labwork required just before the port insertion in addition to prescriptions for all the side effect medications and one for a wig. Yes, these are the types of chemo meds that cause the hair to 'release', usually starting at two weeks after the first cycle.
I plan to take one day at a time through all of this, it is too much to think about all at once and it is not necessary to try to.
I will also plan to thoroughly enjoy my week away and time with my grandchildren (and their parents ;) during that week. It will be very good to get away!
Once back, I think I will sign up for a few more on-line courses towards my business analyst certificate, that way I can work on them as I am able, possibly working ahead on the in-between chemo weeks and taking it easier on the chemo weeks.
Not very funny or witty today but I am OK ;)

Take care

Giving

Giving seemed to be an appropriate title for today's post.
This morning I had my orientation at the Cancer Center. I had wondered what it would be like and I was pleasantly surprised. Right from the start a very warm, non-threatening atmosphere was estabished - from the refreshments supplied, pamphlets and takeaways provided and by the person in charge of patient education. He has done an incredible job, building upon the materials and sessions offered over his years in the role. I'm sure that this facility is second to none in patient education.
One of the take-aways was a journal called 'My Journey'. It was created by a former patient as her way of giving back, she took a look back at all the pieces of information that she would have liked to have had in one place and accessible at her fingertips. She gathered this all together in a very classy format for the use of others that follow behind her.
The presentation was not sugar-coated (my husband's description) but a positive tone was still maintained throughout. They went from housekeeping type items like where to park and registration right through to palliative care support, as needed, all within a little over two hours. There was a video that was shown at the end that featured people with cancer who had received or were receiving treatment at the center speaking about their experiences. For some, this was their way of giving back while some went on to volunteer as a support person for others or to raise money for cancer through annual events they participated in or started or some in as simple a way as to help out in the center by keeping the educational materials well supplied.
I was also contemplating the various ways that people have given in my own life since my diagnosis and how unique and individual each person's contribution has been. I've mentioned some of them in previous posts like the special bracelet, lunches out, chocolate covered strawberries, the gift cards and certificates, the flowers, meals and visits, acting as a communicator, being there to support my husband while I was in surgery or to be my private nurse postop - all very much appreciated.
Last weekend we had the pleasure of visiting with a couple who, in addition to the wonderful homemade bread they brought, also brought stimulating and intellectual discussion that challenged us to do more than just make small talk with them. A wonderful afternoon.
Another example that occurred today was my former (I was going to say 'old' but that would definitely not fit ;) manager who emailed me and told me her garden was coming in and would I like some fresh garden vegetables. What a treat, the market came to me instead of me having to go to the market! After working all day, she went home and harvested the 'cream of her crop', brought them over to my house in rush hour traffic and then washed them while I spun or dried with paper towels. She was quick to make me feel comfortable about the state of my house and we had a lovely chat while we did this, although, once again I think I may have dominated the conversation.
The last example of giving allowed my whole team at work to benefit. Prior to my leave, I would often show up the day after my Costco expedition with treats for the team, placed on a filing cabinet beside my desk, allowing people to help themselves. (Since my older boys have moved out, this was an outlet for my need to 'mother' people :). One of the young guys on the team was at Costco and tells me it just seemed like the natural thing to do to carry on the tradition and pick up a Costco sized box of chips. He placed these chips in the familiar place at my desk and I received several grateful emails from the team before it was revealed that it was him, not me, who had provided this gift. How nice to carry this tradition on, I am smiling! (I'm told the team may have been getting a little cranky without their usual treats).
What all of this says to me is that giving is as unique as the giver; there are as many ways to give as their are 'givers'. Once again, I am humbled and inspired at the same time.

Tomorrow is my fasting labwork and my medical oncologist appointment. I will eat lots of veggies this evening so the bloodwork is outstanding; I am also looking forward to knowing the options they feel are appropriate for my treatment; choosing the best one for me and then 'getting on with it'.

Take care, everyone.

Odds and Ends

Today was a bit of a catch-up day for me, including catching up on a bit of rest. Yesterday was a big day as far as being out and about/up and around and my right arm was letting me know about it. I am trying very hard to avoid lymphedema, which is something I will be very prone to now that I have had so many lymph nodes removed under the right arm.

I did go out and do a bit of shopping this morning, I had a lovely gift card from Bath and Bodyworks to use so I indulged myself in some lotions, scent and bubble bath, all on sale - buy 3, get 3 free. Wonderful deal and I've already had a compliment from Kenny, my 17 year old this afternoon on how good I smell (the scent is vanilla based). I also checked out one of my favorite clothing stores (usually shopped on-line) that had a sale ongoing since end of June, there was a further 40% off of all the clearance items this week, my sister-in-law Carol has a unique way of justifying purchases on sale, I used her math to rationalize to myself that I was actually saving money there.
 
When I was at the postop education class last week I also got a lead on some comfortable Genie bras at Bed, Bath and Beyond that accommodate a 'foob' well. Two for $24.99 (can't go wrong with that, right ;). Very comfortable and great camouflage, if I do say so myself! While I was there I also picked up a package of two terry cloth turbans for wearing around the house once my hair 'releases' (that's how the oncologists describe it), then I thought I better get out of there before I'd saved enough today to go on a cruise.

I mentioned my friend in an earlier post who was also diagnosed with breast cancer, she had her diagnosis prior to mine but didn't have lumpectomy surgery until about a week after my surgery. Last I checked with her she still didn't have her pathology results back yet, I am hoping for clean margins and negative nodes for her. I was thinking the other night that we were engaged around the same time, stood up for each other at our weddings, had our children very close together - this is one thing I did not anticipate that we would do together and I am sorry that she has joined me in this. I also heard yesterday of a lovely young Mom I know from Ontario who was diagnosed last week and is booked for surgery in three weeks time. So sorry to hear this and her and her family are in my prayers.

For the ladies that view my blog from the forum and for these lovely ladies I have added to the right of my blog some links to sites and forum threads that I have either found very helpful or feel will be very helpful for the next steps in this process. I hope they prove useful and if anyone knows of other blogs or websites that they would like to recommend, please let me know so I can add them for other's benefit.

Tonight, I will once again shop, the people I work with will smile as they are familiar with my Monday evening Costco routine. I will really have to watch what I spend there or I might have to get a second job to be on leave from in addtion to the one I am currently on leave from ;)

Tomorrow is the two hour orientation session at the Cancer Center. My husband will graciously take the time off work to attend with me, I'm not quite sure what to expect with the exception that parking, as always, will be a challenge!

Take care, everyone.

I'm the type of person who ...

I'm the type of person who, once started talking about something I am passionate about, can tend to go overboard and get carried away, tending to dominate the conversation with my interest.
One of my passions is my work with Asperger's and High-Functioning Autism (HFA). In the workshops we provide a number of tools that can be used by the 'Aspie' in order to experience more success in the various areas of their lives. The areas addressed in the workshops are self-advocacy, friendship, employment, stress management and dating and relationships.
One of the first tools we teach is an 'explain' script for the purpose of self-advocacy. The script starts with the words "I'm the type of person who ..."
On Thursday evening last week I attended the Asperger's support group meeting and along with another of the workshop co-facilitators we spoke to the 'explain' script and situations where it can be used to provide an explanation of  an individuals' needs or idiosyncrasies to another person in a positive way. The other person receiving the information in this format is often more willing to understand and make provision for the Aspie's unique characteristics.
The information was quite well received and there was definite interest in future workshops, especially in the area of relationships.
The next day, I was telling a visiting friend about the previous evening's meeting and as I spoke my passion for presenting this information was definitely getting the better of me. She was very kind to listen to me as I gave very detailed explanations of the tools presented and elaborated on how each workshop session built on the previous session until by the end of the workshops the participants had a well outfitted 'toolkit' to pull from.
She seemed to embrace this concept but I didn't know how well she had embraced it until after church today when she came up to me and not once, but twice began a sentence with "I'm the type of person who ..."
She gets an 'A' :)

This week I am looking forward to  -

• further improvement in my mother's condition
• making progress in range of motion of my right arm, I was told at the post-op education session last week that I should be doing the exercises three times a day, not just once and this has already made quite a difference
• the orientation session at the cancer center
• my appointments with the medical oncologist and the GP specializing in oncology. I feel that these  appointments will be very beneficial in helping me to understand where I am at now, what the next steps will be and what I can do to help make the next steps go as smoothly as possible with the best possible outcomes.
• booking the appointments and procedures required before I start chemo and as many as possible out of the way so we can continue our plans to get away in early August.

Take care

Handling Adversity

I'm going to cheat a little on today's post, after all it is 'cheat day' on the diet I talked about in a previous post ;)

On the breast cancer forum that I joined when all of this started one of the amazing ladies there posted this story to inspire the rest of us, I really liked it and I wanted to share. Here it is, I hope it speaks to you as it has spoken to me.

The Carrot, the Egg and the Coffee Bean

You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, Mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt, become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you weakened or hardened by your surroundings or do you bring life and flavor to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?
~ Author Unknown ~

Three Weeks

Today is three weeks since my surgery. So much has happened! It feels so good to be here at this stage of recovery. I think it's time for another list of things I am thankful for this week (in addition to everything I've already mentioned before ;) -

• Lovely talks and walks with friends 
• The meals that continue to be provided, so excellent (I'm feeling very spoiled)
• Ice and pillows and moo-moo's (for you, Robin ;)
• My mother's health improvement during this week
• Grandchildren who have an incredibly sweet and smart mother who knows just the thing to entertain them and, in the process, make Grandma's day
• Chocolate covered strawberries and the good friend who provided them
• Weekend getaways
• Days and times where I get to 'pause' 
• The kindness that comes from so many different and sometimes unexpected sources
• A wonderful God who heals, sustains and strengthens me
• Gentle Hugs :)
• My wonderful husband and breakfast in bed
• Facebook and email and the loving messages they facilitate delivery of

I had a very nice break from most things cancer related today. A lovely afternoon with my special friend Ev who made it over to my place with a beautiful, freshly baked salmon, gluten-free sausages from the Farmer's Market and a large bowl of fresh raw vegetables as a side.

During our walk we came up with a couple of more PAWS -
People are watching - shrug it off
People are watching - small stuff shouldn't be sweated

Best Day Ever (that was for you Steph ;)

Take care, everyone

A bit of overload

Today was my two hour post-op education session, which was excellent however once again I am feeling a little more sober and experiencing a bit of 'information overload'.
There were about nine of us in the class and it was very nice to see and talk to other people who had surgery around the same date as my surgery and to hear their stories. There was a good representation of ages and nationalities, cancer is not prejudiced.
I found out about more resources available. One was very interesting in light of fairly new research that regular exercise post breast cancer diagnosis seems to decrease the risk of recurrence. There is a separate gym at our university for cancer patients, it is called a 'clean gym', the purpose is to help prevent infections for people going through chemotherapy, therefore immuno-suppressed. Membership is free for the person as well as a partner. I think I will be taking them up on that offer.
One study that was presented was focused on the benefits of physical activity during chemotherapy, participants complete four questionnaires during different stages of chemo as well as wear a pedometer every day throughout treatment - could be interesting, a bit of a commitment.
What sobered me somewhat was my perception that I was going to be having more treatment than the others in the group and things were moving along much faster in my treatment. A few things that were said were that standard chemo is 4 to 6 cycles, if required. I have been told I am looking at 6 - 8 cycles and possibly a year of another type of chemo that would be given weekly. I also seem to be looking at radiation following the cycles of chemo due to the lymph node involvement. It was stated in the class that, if required, the appointment with the medical oncologist would be one hour. I was told that my appointment would be two hours duration. When I mentioned this, the instructor said standard was one hour but that yes, some people did require a two hour appointment. Way to feel special!
Following the class I went to see my mother who was looking much improved. She was sitting in a chair with no oxygen on, freshly showered and looking quite bright. I fixed her hair a little and added some makeup while she told me about her day. Once again the food was high on her complaint list but she did seem to have enjoyed her breakfast pancakes, mention of them brought a big smile. The doctor told me that she has pneumonia and the intestinal infection so she will have two weeks worth of antibiotics and they will be looking into options for care once she returns to the lodge.
Once home, I made myself a late lunch, then started reviewing the mail. There in the midst of all the bills and boring stuff was an envelope addressed to Grandma Laura and the return address showed it was from my three grandchildren. Just when I was starting to look too far into the future again and become a little anxious, here was a reminder of what really counted. In the envelope were three pages, there was a different precious hand tracing on each of the pages with the message that even though they are not here with me, they are giving me their hands to hold. How sweet! I will keep these pages to look at to give me courage as I start on my next steps, it sure was just what I needed today.

Take care

Pause

You will probably find this an unusual title for today's post but as I write I hope it will make more sense.

My kind husband is still helping me to have a gentle start to the day, so before it has even started  I get to pause - read, pray and drink coffee - and, because it's what I do, make a list of what I would like to accomplish for the day. The lists are getting pretty pathetic lately but they seem to help me.

I decided that I could contact the cancer center this morning in a 'self-advocating' kind of way and tell them of my vacation plans. It worked! The person who books appointments had just received my referral following triage by the nurse so it was in front of her and she was ready to book me according to my schedule, not theirs. I am now fairly booked up for next week with lab appointments, the GP 'oncology' expert and now a 2 hour orientation session for the cancer center followed the day after by a 2 hour medical oncologist appointment. So, this week will serve as a bit of a pause prior to all that activity.

I went to my Mom's lodge and spoke to the people in charge to give them an update on her, picked up a few more of her things and went to visit her in the hospital. She had just arrived back from a chest x-ray; she is sounding very wheezy and is still on oxygen. Once they got her settled back in bed, I fixed her hair and applied a bit of makeup which she seemed to appreciate. Then I got my typical run down of the food and I had to smile, this part of any hospitalization never changes for her so this was a good sign. We filled out her menu for tomorrow together and she kept saying things like, 'Tell them only a small amount'. Now this would be OK except it's hard to do with pre-packaged cereal like Rice Krispies and one piece of toast.;)

Then I just sat with her for a while, she was quite tired after being up in the night for a procedure. A nice pause for both of us. On my way out of the hospital I ran into a couple of people I used to work with in my IT Training days, we had a nice chat and as I left they assured me that 'the sisters were looking fine'. :)

I picked up a few groceries on my way home, being sure that none of the bags had too much in them as I'm still not supposed to be lifting over 5 pounds. As I was driving to the grocery store and once I got home I could feel a migraine building. I made myself some lunch, took some Tylenol, then laid down with an icepack on my neck to see if I could sleep it off. Another nice pause in the day which seemed to have helped, I still have a bit of a residual headache so I have chased the Tylenol with a dose of Advil and I am still using the ice on my neck as I write.

 I have received the loveliest emails and messages from so many people since my diagnosis and they have really brightened my days. One thing they have also done, though, is make me aware that there are people telling me they have looked up to me or used me as an example. If this is true and they aren't just being kind, then I am going to need to be extra careful with my behavior as I go through the rest of my treatment, it may be the true test of my character.

When my older boys were teenagers, one in particular would be messaging friends on the computer and then as my husband or myself were in the vicinity, he would type 'PAW' which meant 'parents are watching'. I decided this afternoon that this wouldn't be a bad motto for me when I am tempted to be grumpy/angry/depressed/petty etc. I will add an 's' to the end of the PAW to make it say 'PAWS', change the parents to people -  the message to myself will then be 'take a moment and PAWS'.
There could be several 's' words I can use at the end of PAW depending on the situation but I have come up with some possible examples -
People Are Watching - Smile
People Are Watching - Shut-up
People Are Watching - Slow Down
People Are Watching - Suck it up, buttercup
People Are Watching - Strut the Sisters (couldn't resist throwing that one in there ;)

Take care
 

Patterns

I am beginning to notice patterns to this whole process. It seems that there will be an appointment which generates a procedure or procedures and then there is a period of waiting for results, this period can be short or long but no matter what waiting is the hardest part. Obtaining the results seems to result in another round of appointments or phone calls.

Today I had several phone calls. It seems the cancer registry would like me to donate my tumour after the requisite 6 months that it is kept for the surgeon. My thoughts are that if donating it can help research and improve things for somebody else in the future then it is definitely something I will give my consent to. Making this decision means that I will also be sent a kit and a requisition for labwork, some of which requiires fasting. Since I also have to have fasting labwork following my annual physical with my GP yesterday I will combine the two and get it all over with at the same time.

The nurse navigator also called. I find it interesting how the mind works (at least my mind, and I know that some people consider my mind a scary place). I was almost surprised when she started talking about next steps. My mind had totally embraced the good news from yesterday's pathology report and I was in a bit of denial regarding chemotherapy and hormone therapy, wondering if it was really necessary. I guess because of the positive lymph glands and the grade of the tumor cells it looks like it is so I tried to readjust my thinking as we talked. She reiterated what the surgeon's secretary had told me regarding the cancer center contacting me and told me it should be by the end of this week. I told her of our plans for vacation and she gave me the phone number of the appointment booking line, stating this information would be very helpful for them to know prior to starting the booking process. She told me I will most probably be looking at six to eight treatments spaced three weeks apart followed by hormone therapy and possibly radiation. She asked how I was doing postop. I think the biggest irritation is the feeling that I have a bad sunburn in the area of the incision, axilla and underside of the upper arm and yet when I touch the areas they feel numb. Apparently this is quite common due to the nerve disruption. I am finding that certain fabrics seem to feel like sandpaper over these areas and that ice is helpful. She also suggested that the arm exercises may help as well as massage of the incision area as soon as it is not too tender to do this. I do have a postop class on Thursday morning this week where more of this type of information will be reviewed.

 The other appointment I was booked for today was with a GP who specializes in working with oncology patients on a 'whole patient' type of basis. The first appointment will be for one hour. Interesting all the resources available that I was previously so ignorant of but that I am now so thankful for.

 On top of the other phone calls I also spoke to the physician caring for my mother. It looks like she will be in the hospital for about a week and then they plan to assess and see if they feel she will be able to return to an assisted living facility. I have been very impressed with the communication for this hospital stay for her.

 I have been a little on the lazy side today activity wise and I need to snap myself out of it but it seems easier at the moment to procrastinate. Yesterday was a big day and I felt the effects of it this a.m. Now I need to get myself outside and go for a walk. No more excuses!

Big Day

Probably another shorter post but I wanted to give an update.

 I worked from home a bit this a.m. and it was so good to talk to some of my co-workers and feel like I might be somewhat useful to them although they would never tell me otherwise. I even got to see a few of them as I went to the hospital to see my Mom and then had an appointment with my GP afterwards. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Mom was admitted to hospital last night, her white blood cell count is high and her oxygen saturation levels are low, they have her on isolation precautions and feel it could very well be C. Difficile. I made some calls regarding her this a.m. before venturing out as well as calling my surgeon's office and 'confronting' his secretary again. Not a big confrontation. I reminded her that I had an appointment with my family doctor this afternoon and asked if my results were back. She looked them up and said they were so I asked if she would fax them over. She agreed and then she said we should probably set up a postop appointment with the surgeon. What a novel idea (sorry for the sarcasm). I told her that we were planning a trip early August so it would need to be before then, she accommodated :) I also asked if she could forward the results to the cancer center so they could make their appointments as needed. Once again, she agreed - only adding that she would run them by another surgeon to ensure he agreed with this. Big progress in one phone call.

Next milestone was to drive myself over to the hospital site - first time driving since the surgery and I think everyone else on the road was safe in spite of me. I visited Mom and I think that helped, reassured her a little and got a list of things she would like me to pick up for her, I guess she was being optimistic when she went, thinking she would be returning home quickly.

I was a little nervous going to the family doctor but it went quite well. The results hadn't been faxed to her  but she was able to obtain them and things aren't looking that bad. I am considered Stage 2. I also know why my right arm has been so sore. The IDC (invasive duct all carcinoma) component was about 2 cm. They removed 27 lymph nodes. Of those 27, two were positive for macrometastases. There was also 7 cm of DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ). They feel they were able to get good margins on the tumor areas and the pathology agreed with what they found on the biopsies. The scans showed no evidence of distant metastasis which is wonderful! I did take a little exception to the note on the pathology report to the effect that the outward appearance of the breast tissue submitted was unremarkable - excuse me!!!

Take care

Back to Reality

Today's post will be short.
We were up early this a.m. and had a wonderful drive back to the city and spent some time at home to take care of a few things prior to attending church this a.m.
My right arm is bothering me once again today so I have been trying to keep it up and keep pressure off of the underarm area.
Our son Caleb came over around 4 p.m. and we celebrated his birthday, he has been well 'gifted' and left looking quite pleased with himself.
Following his visit Rod and I took the opportunity to go for another walk along the ridge. We've had some rain this weekend and, if possible, everything appears even greener than it was before.
We usually take my mother to church with us on Sunday mornings, however when I talked to her this a.m. she wasn't feeling all that well and decided to stay home. On returning from our walk there was a message from her so I returned the call. She did not sound well, in talking to her to see what the symptoms were it sounds like it may be a return of the C. Difficile she had trouble with in April. I have asked the lodge to call an ambulance for her and we will have to see how everything transpires from there.
Depending on how she is, I will see what my day tomorrow looks like.
I am supposed to have my annual physical with my GP and if my pathology results are back she will review them with me. Last week there was a problem with a fire in the building that houses the servers for the health region's computer applications, including the lab application. These applications were down for approximately three days. Due to this, I won't be holding my breath that the results will be there for tomorrow's visit.
I plan to use some of my self advocacy skills when I contact the surgeon's office for my postop appointment. We are really looking forward to taking a week in early August to go on a pre-planned vacation. My plan is to be able to work any and all appointments resulting from the pathology results around that week away, starting with getting in to see the surgeon as early as possible upon his return next week.
Wish me luck.

A Chance to Get Away

We have been given the wonderful opportunity to get away from everything for a couple of nights this weekend. My husband has an automotive repair business and one of his suppliers is sponsoring a golf tournament in a beautiful mountain resort area close to the city we live in. We arrived last evening after a beautiful drive and have been thoroughly spoiled since arriving, all courtesy of the sponsoring company. We have been given a loft suite on the third floor of the hotel, we each have our own washroom and there is a nice sitting area downstairs with a fireplace, the upstairs is a very spacious sleeping area and to top it off we have our own deck looking our over a fabulous view of mountains and evergreens. I am so glad that I felt well enough to accompany my husband. He is out golfing with his team as I write. There is shopping in the extended lobby of the hotel and a few restaurants for me to choose to lunch at. Now that I have completed my shopping I am comfortably situated in one of the large, welcoming armchairs in the lobby, looking out at a rock and waterfall feature. Did I mention in a recent post that I am so blessed? :) This evening is a steak dinner and the awards from the tournament, I'll be well rested and ready when it is time to attend, tomorrow we'll travel back to the city in the morning and gradually get back to reality, but not before celebrating my third son's quarter century birthday in the afternoon. Rod and I were shopping together earlier in the day before he went out to golf. One of the stores had a large neck to toe nightshirt in the window with an owl print on it. It also had a logo 'Canadian Hooters'. Rod suggested that we could purchase it and customize it just for me by crossing out the 's' at the end of hooters. While not a funny subject, I am so glad that we are both so comfortable that we can enjoy a good laugh together over some of the challenges it presents. I'm tempted to go back and buy the nightshirt and surprise him with it this evening ;).

The lens I am looking through

I had a couple of wonderful visits with good friends over the past two days, tea with 'if in doubt, rub her feet Jane' and a lovely lunch 'provided by Patty' ;).
It seems that there was a theme in much of what we discussed during both visits. The theme seems to be how we look at things in our lives.
I can't say that I have consciously chosen the lens I am currently looking through, but I like the way the prescription fits ;).
I've stated in a previous post that I found it interesting that while waiting for my biopsy results that I was finding so much joy and beauty in everyday things and laughing more spontaneously than ever before. This has continued for the most part since the diagnosis and through the surgical episode.
In an email to me last week Jane spoke about a wedding she had attended recently on a perfect summer day, describing the day like this - 'it was as if God was showing off a little for us'. I liked the description, that is how I am feeling as I look at nature on my walks and as we are driving around, I feel like everything is so much more vibrant and beautiful than I have ever experienced it in the past, I am seeing beauty in parts of nature that I never really noticed it previously.
I am also finding even greater joy in looking at and holding babies and watching children play. I love looking at them and remembering my own boys and thinking of my grandchildren and how much I love them all.
As I was driving one day prior to surgery, a wedding car pulled up beside me and I found myself grinning from ear to ear. Life was still going on for people, there were babies being born and people were getting married and the normality of all of this was so reassuring to me and yet so joy inspiring at the same time.
I'm not quite sure whether I have anything more to say in this post, I wanted to be able to describe my experience and I know that I do not do it justice with my words.
Rod and I are driving out to the west of our city this evening and I am looking forward to more of 'God showing off' as I look at the mountains and all they have to offer.
My wish for all of you this weekend is that you are able to find joy and beauty in this moment now, whereever you may be and whatever 'this moment' is for you at this time in your lives.
Take care.

A Confession

Today, I have some more confessions to make. First of all, I cheated on my husband today.
I know I'm going to have to clarify this statement right away so people won't be too upset or shocked with me.
My husband asked me to help him lose weight a little over a year ago. He asked me if I could find a diet that would work for him. I did some research and I did some praying and we found a diet that has been incredibly successful, he has lost over 80 lbs. since starting it mid-June 2011 and I am incredibly proud of him. One of the other requests he made of me was that I would need to join him in eating the way he did in order for him to be able to stick to the diet. For one whole year plus, I have done this for him, benefiting  by feeling better than I have ever felt in my life and losing some weight myself, although nothing as dramatic as his weight loss. The diet is fairly strict regarding simple carbohydrates but allows for one cheat day a week, we generally have our cheat day on Saturdays.
Fast forward to today. Not once have I succumbed to temptation to cheat on a non-cheat day until today. A beautiful box of decadent chocolate dipped strawberries (huge!!!) was delivered this afternoon and I took one look at them and helped myself. My thought at the time was, 'what's the worst that could happen? Oh, yeah, that's already happened' ;)
Good to get that off my chest, as well as a few other things (pun intended).
The second confession goes along with the first item.
I'm not that strong.
People keep telling me how strong I am - Tazzy, one of the wonderful ladies I have gotten to know a little through joining the breastcancer.org forum has a saying in her signature - 'You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have'. I love this saying, it speaks to me everytime I see it in her posts on the forum.
What I have realized though, through all the practises I have had leading up to this moment in time for me and through watching my sister-in-law and family through the loss of my 16 year old niece a few years ago is that I could try to do it alone, but why would I if I can have a team around me? This is actually something I identified publicly prior to receiving my diagnosis. My health region was celebrating with long service awards and I was one of the people being honored for my long service this year. I was asked to give a brief statement as to what I had learned over my years of service and I had stated that I had learned that 'it takes a village' and how important team work within my team and in working with other teams was in my role at work, whether on the front lines as a nurse or more in the background in my IT role. I always do much better with a team working with me or supporting me, sometimes I'm the one carrying the puck and other times I'm more in the role of a supporting player. A team is so much stronger than any single individual on it.
Why not carry this over to my diagnosis and gather a strong support system around me? I have so many  people offering and willing to support me through this,  if I had tried to go it alone and not told people about my diagnosis and planned treatment, I may have missed out in so many ways.
I am not strong. I have a God who is strong and provides what I need when I need it, part of this provision is through a strong team surrounding and supporting me.
I am blessed!

Goal to work towards

The days are settling into a very comfortable pattern for me. I try to intersperse periods of activity with times of rest, gradually increasing the times of activity. I am not feeling completely useless around the house anymore as I am able  to empty the dishwasher, wipe down counters, dust and do light laundry and cooking. 'Robby' continues to be worth his weight in gold in keeping up with the vacuuming on the main floor, 'gotta love him'.
My good friend who provided me with my 'special bracelet' called last evening to let me know that my co-workers are organizing a team to run/walk in the local CIBC Run for the Cure which is being held on September 30th, 2012. She asked if I would like to join them. I am touched and I will most definitely do everything within my power to be there, I will aim for the 5 km but I will not be disappointed if a 1 km walk is all I accomplish. When I go on my daily walks I will now have a goal to work towards. My son Caleb has also told me that he has a team of about a dozen friends who will be running for me, my job now will be to recruit my other family members into one or the other of the two teams. How wonderful, so looking forward to this!
Some sad news arrived yesterday also. A very good friend called me from Saskatchewan with the news that she had a lumpectomy and sentinel node biopsy on Monday of this week and is now waiting for results. We talked for quite a while, she had her routine mammogram in late May, it sounds like they think they caught it early and I am glad for her that this is the case. We both expressed that for some strange reason we are more concerned for the other person having to go through this than we are for ourselves and our potential outcomes. I want everything to be OK for her, clean margins and no node involvement. I look forward to hearing good news very soon from her.

Drains out!

Today was drain removal day, interesting what I can get excited about nowadays ;)
My husband decided that he wanted to take me to the appointment even though he was back to work today after taking last week off. He once again served me breakfast in bed, then went in early and got things set up at his shop before returning to collect me to go to the appointment
The Breast Health Clinic did their normal due diligence in checking my identification and demographic information, which still never ceases to impress me (I guess I impress easily nowadays also). Then she checked me in and looked for my file which seemed to be missing. There was a magazine holder style container that held the files for the day and mine wasn't in it. Then she happened to realize that this holder was sitting on top of something and when she checked, sure enough, the something underneath was my file. My file was larger than all the other files that were in the holder combined and obviously had not fit when pulled the day before. I'm not sure if that is something one can proud of?
I was given my pager again and sat with my husband in the waiting area. There was one couple that quickly drew our attention. They had one sweet curly-haired little girl who looked to be about 5, then a boy who looked to be 3 or 4. In a double stroller were twin girls looking to be under two years of age and in the mother's arms nursing was a baby possibly 4 months old. We were entertained for the very short period of time we waited by this family alone!
Once called in, the nurse had me change, explained what she would be doing, congratulated me on my drainage achievement (again, something I should be proud of?), and went and gathered her supplies. On her return she quickly and efficiently snipped the sutures that were holding the drains in place, one slid out effortlessly and then it was time for the other one. This one was had an entrance point near my lowest rib and reached up into the area just under my collar bone. She told me to take a deep breath, gave a yank and pulled it out. Ouch!!!! It felt like she was tearing something out of me, which I guess she was. Glad it was over quick. She patched me up with some gauze at the insertion points and gave me some extra supplies for home and then we chatted. She was wonderful. She told me the nurse navigator would also be getting in touch with me once the pathology was back and that the navigator would keep in touch and be there throughout the whole treatment period; possibly something I'd heard at the diagnosis visit but obviously had not 'stuck' with me at the time.
She made a joke when I told her that prior to the start of this whole process that I had wished I had more time to read; stating that I probably should have been more specific about the avenue for that wish to take place i.e. a winning lottery ticket. Good to laugh!
There is a Women's Resource library in the same building as the Breast Health Clinic so my husband patiently waited while I checked out their offerings, obtained a library card and checked out 5 books with the optimistic intent that I will have them all read by my postop teaching session there next Thursday a.m.

In yesterday's post I said that I felt like I was in the penalty box. I watched the movie Patch Adams with Rod last night and thoroughly enjoyed it and I have decided that there is another way of looking at this situation also. Maybe I have received the tap on the shoulder from the coach saying, 'You're in the game, let's see what you learned in practise'.

Take care, everyone
 

Ups and downs

Today was a beautiful, hot summer day.
I had a list of calls I was going to make first thing this a.m. and started with calling my surgeon's office to report the drain amounts and request my appointment/s. The secretary told me I could call the Breast Health Center to arrange to have the drains removed but that the surgeon was away now for two weeks of vacation so I would have to wait until his return before I could have an appointment with him. I think my jaw dropped. She had made no mention of this when we talked last week and she had asked me to call this a.m.
I am most wanting to know what the pathology and scans showed so I asked whether I was going to have to wait until his return before I knew this information. She said that there was no pathology back yet but if it did come prior to the surgeon's return, she would forward it to my GP and then I could make an appointment with the GP to review it. I told her that I already had an appointment for my annual physical booked for July 16th so this should work out. She said sometimes the pathology has been taking longer than that but she would let me know. She also said that when the reports came back she was going to send them right away to the Cancer Center so that they could go ahead and set things in motion so as not to delay that part of my treatment. If I didn't know better I would think my surgeon was trying to avoid me and that is a little unsettling.
On the plus side, my drains will come out tomorrow and this should really help comfort wise. We also had a nice visit this afternoon with the couple we told prior to surgery who had gone through a similar experience in the past, it was nice to share and to know that more than many, they understood what we were going through.
I also opened my email this afternoon and there was a gift certificate from my sister-in-law Carol and my three lovely nieces Adana, Mandy and Lexi - what a very pleasant surprise and it couldn't have happened on a better day for me!
People ask how me I am feeling. Physically I am feeling pretty good, my right arm is better today; overall I am feeling healthy, I have been taking it slow and looking after myself well and I definitely think my health is benefitting from this. Mentally/emotionally it is a bit of a rollercoaster but I think for the most part I am doing well and staying positive. I still have moments where it all seems very unreal, like 'how can this really be happening to me, I feel like exactly the same person I was a month ago and yet my life now is completely different'. I don't feel a lot of fear or anxiety, I do feel impatience.
In a way, I feel like I am in the penalty box but that I don't know what for or for how long.  Logically, I do know that I am not being punished and that this just 'is' and that there is much I can learn from going through this experience if I am willing but emotionally, I don't like being put on the sidelines and I want to get back in the game, I feel like there is so much more of it left to play.
My husband is going to be very proud of me for using a hockey analogy, it's something he is well known for, he must be rubbing off on me ;)

Looking forward

Today's post will be a little shorter, my right arm is acting up a little today. On a promising note, all I previously felt on the underside of the upper arm and in the axilla region was numbness, I am now getting a pins and needles sensation which is not comfortable however it does mean swelling that may have been pressing on the nerves is going down and if nerves were damaged in the surgery they are beginning to regenerate.
This week I am looking forward to -

• the removal of the drains and getting my surgical pathology report
• getting started on the next steps
• increased mobility
• seeing my sister-in-law Carol this evening 
• my daily walks
• reading 
• driving short distances later in the week to see how it feels

It was a lovely, lazy social day today starting with a late brunch featuring great conversation and great company, I hope the others felt the same way, I do realize I did most of the talking ;). This was followed by a wonderful visit with another very talented and busy couple. I got a nap in following that and now we're expecting company this evening also. 
I took the steri-strips off the incision today and everything is looking good. As I looked at it and I thought this, it made me smile, remembering. Following the lumpectomies when the surgeon first saw how well the incisions were healing, he took a look, said 'That looks really good', blushed and then corrected himself saying 'I meant to say, the incisions are looking really good'. When you get to be my age, statements like that can make your day ;)

One week out

The first week postop really went by so quickly; I am definitely glad to be on this side of the surgery and once again, I am incredibly thankful for and amazed by the restorative/recuperative abilities of the human body.
In addition to everything I was thankful for last week, I am also thankful this week for -

• My iPad - while it is a 'thing', it allows me to continue to be social via Facebook, Skype and email. I can catch up on my interests in the magazine app I use - Zyte. It makes all my Kindle and iTunes books quickly available to me as well as all my music that I love to listen to. I've also been using Netflix on the iPad to watch an occasional video or show and some of my organizational apps allow me to make lists and mindmap to my heart's content. I'm probably missing some of the functionality I use it for but these alone provide pretty good value if I do say so myself. :)
• My co-workers, who I lumped in with the friends part of 'family and friends' last week, but probably deserve a separate thanks just so they know I was thinking of them but consider them more than just co-workers; they definitely qualify as friends.
• Summer fruit!!! Today alone in the guise that they are 'good for healing' I have enjoyed two of the juiciest peaches ever and Rod made an extra special protein shake for me today with half a mango and half an avocado and then some of our usual ingredients like spinach. I still have my eye on the other half of the mango and some kiwi fruit that was brought to us.
• The cooking abilities of others, we have feasted on some great meals this week; I always told my husband that life would be perfect for me with the addition of a cook and a maid :)
• Modern conveniences like 'Robbie', dishwashers, washing machines, fans ;) - all making my life here at home a little easier this week.

This afternoon a friend who is a realtor suggested we might like to take a drive in the country and come visit him in a home he was showing for an open house. The asking price is close to $2 million so it was fun to go out and pretend we were in the market, discussing the pros and cons of this house for us. I noticed how my husband tended to go in a room and see it 'all at once' big picture style and I was the one who was looking at all the details, opening all the doors, admiring the light fixtures and all those things that go together to make a room 'work' as a whole - or not. The ensuite in the master bedroom was 'to die for', it would mean no more elbowing each other out of the way to use the sink or look in the mirror in the morning. I teased my husband that I thought the huge master closet might fit all of my shoes and clothes, his things would have to be stored elsewhere though. As we walked out, I winked at our friend and told him we would get back to him once we'd talked and made our decision. 

Take care everyone, enjoy the remainder of the day
Laura

Row, row, row your boat

One of the exercises I have to do for my right arm is a figure eight using a broomstick or an umbrella. I pretend that I am kayaking when I do it. This evening we arranged to Skype with our oldest son, Justin and his wife Leah and our three grandchildren Lilly, Keiran and Forrest. Lilly and Keiran had practised a song for us complete with props and actions, it was 'Row, Row, Row your Boat'. They have much better paddle action than I am able to accomplish currently (at times Keiran's zealousness in paddling had me worried for Lilly's welfare). I realize that I will have to keep practising if I want to have any chance at joining them in their ensemble in a few weeks time.
I promise not to complain in my post today, I got that over with yesterday. It was good for me to get out of our house in the evening and change up recliners for our good friends; they even let me eat my supper in their recliner; the change of scenery was good to effect a change in my attitude.
Today things looked brighter when I awakened, another beautiful sunshiney day that included a walk, several email visits with co-workers and a delicious stir fry supper made and delivered hot by my brother. Each day I am trying to push just a little farther or faster during the walk and I have started adding a few light housekeeping tasks to the day. I think I am going to get to know some of the regulars on the walking path well over the next few months, today we spoke with an 82 year old man out walking his dog. We have also made good friends with several other dogs along the path. Yesterday one made me laugh out loud as we were walking past his house. He was lying spread out on his back soaking in the sun, totally relaxed and obviously enjoying the moment. Lots to be learned from our canine friends.
Now to get back to those arm exercises ;)

Lack of Control

Today, I find myself a little frustrated and a little discouraged and it is over something very little that in the grand scheme of things will matter not by end of next week, but today it seems big to me :(
On Tuesday when I phoned my surgeon's office to make a follow up appointment the secretary told me to call her again later this afternoon regarding the tube drainage. She also told me then that I could schedule all my appointments through her. I very optimistically called today with the wonderful news (for me) that the combined drainage between the two drains was on target to be less than 25 ml today and asked if I could set up an appointment for early next week. Her response was no, I have to have two days after a less than 25 ml day where it is still less than 25 ml. My response to that was I had three days after today before Monday and couldn't I just set up an appointment for early in the week. The answer was no, call back on Monday a.m. and if she agreed with my evaluation of how things went over the weekend, I could call the Breast Health Clinic Monday a.m. to arrange for my own appointment for drain removal.
The drains are not comfortable and are difficult to accommodate within clothing and when showering etc.
I also wanted to have some solid appointments for next week so I could plan. Can you tell I like to be in control?
I have to smile (sadly) at my reaction and remember the devotional reading from 'Jesus Calling' for today, here is an excerpt of it -

Draw near to Me with a thankful heart, aware that your cup is overflowing with blessings. Gratitude enables you to perceive Me more clearly and to rejoice in our Love-relationship. Nothing can separate you from My loving Presence! That is the basis of your security. Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy.
You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of striving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth and breadth. ....

Laura

Being 'mommy-sat'

Every Tuesday evening in the summer, my husband has hockey. I could see Rod was getting a little restless around the house so I suggested that he should go. He seemed unsure but also a little excited at the opportunity so he checked with our 17 year old, Kenny to see if he planned to be around during the evening. Once that was established, Rod took himself off to hockey and I was 'mommy-sat' for the first time by Kenny.
He came and hugged and kissed me and then stood by my chair and talked. I have another confession to make (what is it about blogging that seems to bring that out in me?). When any of my boys are talking to me for any length of time, I get very distracted. I look at them and drink in their appearance, thinking to myself how very beautiful they are and I totally lose track of the topic of conversation but try to keep up and make intelligent responses. Don't tell my guys that I think they are beautiful, OK? It's just between us ;)
I'm starting to get into this routine, it will be a rude awakening when Rod decides it's time to stop serving me breakfast in bed; for now I'll just bask in it. It makes for a very gentle and relaxed start to the day. Following breakfast I read a little and then get up and shower and dress for the day. For that effort I allow myself (read 'need') a little time in the recliner with my arm up on a pillow, so I listen to music, read or watch a video.
This a.m. Rod and I walked outside again, along my favorite ridge overlooking the provincial park. There was a very clear view of the mountains today and they were beautiful, they still appear to have a fair amount of snow on them. I made it a little farther than I did last time we walked and there are conveniently placed benches along the path to rest on, so we took advantage of one and the view it provided before heading back to the house.
Lunch was served by Rod out on the deck - tuna coleslaw salad with peanuts in it and hard-boiled eggs on the side. This was followed by a painkiller and a nice afternoon nap in my recliner; once again being 'mommy-sat' by Kenny while Rod took his friend Boyd out for a late lunch.
I called yesterday about a postop appointment with my surgeon but apparently the drains have to be draining less than 25 ml in 24 hours and then they will be removed at the same time as the appointment and results review. It doesn't appear that this will happen until next week. So, another reprieve before another round of appointments. I'm enjoying it.
Take care
Laura

Lesson learned

First of all, I wanted to let people know that I have added my pre and post op experiences to the blog posts, under the dates of June 29th and June 30th.
On to last evening and today.
Last evening, thinking I was ready to prepare for the next phase of my treatment, I decided to research the various types of chemotherapy. I read about every chemo drug and all their side effects and it was pretty unnerving, these are very toxic medications, created to kill rapidly growing cells. Not a good bedtime story type of activity.
To top it off, I decided I was curious about my surgery. I'm not feeling much muscle under the skin of my upper chest.. Silly me searched youtube for a video on modified radical mastectomy to see if what I was feeling in the operative area was 'normal' and I watched a video of the surgery all the way through.
By the time I was done, I was nauseated and shaky. I asked Rod to help me upstairs to our room. I had several moments where I wasn't sure supper was going to stay down and I couldn't stop shaking. Once washed up and settled into bed with a basin close by 'in case' I told Rod what I had been doing. Rod prayed with me and turned on my iPad music.. I fell asleep to that and felt much better when I next awakened.
I would never do this again, and I would advise others in similar circumstances not to do what I did. Once my pathology is known, the oncologist/tumor board will advise on the best chemotherapeutic agents to use in my case, I did not have to research all of them at the same time.
Similarly,  when I see my surgeon for my postop appointment I can ask him then what was done and he will explain what and why at that time, what 'is' is not going to change by my researching what is 'normal'.
I am now focused back on the 'now' and on doing what I need to do to get better today. I went for a short walk outside yesterday with Rod and friends along the ridge of the provincial park our neighbourhood borders. The view from there is lovely, it's been raining a lot lately, so everything is very green and people living across from the ridge have beautiful landscaping for me to admire. I plan to do this again today.
I am also continuing to do all my arm exercises and progress is definitely being made.
The tops I bought prior to surgery with my 'sister' are doing great service for me, making me feel I am looking OK and feeling comfortable, as well.
I do have to say however, that at the end of the day, when it's just me and my pajamas looking back at me in the bedroom mirror at night that I can't help but smile a little. If anyone knows of auditions taking place for the play 'Victor/Victoria' I do think that I would be a shoe-in physically for the part, right down to the hair. And I sing ;)

If in doubt, rub her feet :)

Good morning, everyone.
Over the next couple of days I am going to try to document the immediate pre-op and then immediate post-op experiences in separate blog posts. They will probably be a little detailed and some may think it is 'too much information'. For those people, they will be separate posts and there is no obligation whatsoever to read but for those who may be curious I will try to recount my experiences.

Today is another wonderful, sunny day. I am now comfortably situated in my recliner in the family room, with the backyard and deck in my view on one side and on my other side the view is of some of the beautiful flowers and gifts received. We have food in the fridge for meals to come and have had some lovely visits with the people who brought the meals, gifts and flowers. I've added a picture.

Now for some more confessions -
I have two drains in that need to be emptied about every 8 hours and sometimes the tubing needs to be milked to keep things flowing well. Who knew that the nurse who had no difficulty doing this for others would be a little squeamish doing it for herself. How embarassing! The milking itself takes a fair amount of strength and the right arm protests being used for this purpose. I find myself needing about 15 minutes after the milking to get over the squeamishness and for my right arm muscles to stop protesting.
I also will confess that I was feeling a little sorry for myself this a.m. so I decided to take a little extra care with my appearance. The Breast Health clinic sent me a temporary prosthesis to use until the incisional area is healed and today was the first day to use it. I thought I was lop-sided without it but now with it, I have the opposite problem, seems like I may have lost some weight on the other side and it is affecting symmetry. :(

My husband Rod probably doesn't quite know how to deal with all of this but our friend Jane had just the answer for him. She delivered a little care package last Thursday and one of the items was a triple mint foot cream with a note for Rod that said, 'Rod, if in doubt, rub her feet'. Which is exactly what he did for me once I got all settled in the recliner this a.m. and you know what? Jane was right!

Take care
Laura

Thankful

Today will be a short post again. I'll write more later about the surgical experience with the exception of saying that my 'sister' Gayle had told me while we were shopping of a wonderful anesthetist Dr. Y.
When I arrived to the operating suite, a lovely kind lady came up to me and introduced herself as Dr. Y and told me she was my anesthetist. I was so happy to hear this. The next thing she said was 'I want to tell you that not only is Dr. A an amazing person, he is also an absolutely amazing surgeon. You are in good hands.' :)
Today I'm thankful for -

•  the amazing recuperative abilities of the human body 
• Wonderful family and friends 
• The smell of lilacs and maydays wafting into the room on a gentle breeze 
• Beautiful flowers sent with loving messages 
• Well-trained sons (even if I can't take credit for the training) ;) 
• Hairdressers who are artists with naturally curly,thick hair who really listen 
• Teddy bears who do double duty as arm cushions 

Bye for now
Laura