Being Held

It has been several days since I last posted and there are many thoughts that have been swirling around in my head. I will try to put some of them down here in this post.

As you know, in the last few weeks I have had some tests and an appointment with my oncologist as well as another Herceptin treatment. I am finding the effects of the Herceptin treatments do seem to be cumulative and last weekend was not the best one in how I felt physically.  I also have  another test and appointment coming up next week which could be a cause for more 'scanxiety'. I cannot complain that I am not being carefully monitored.

While Rod and I were driving to my last oncologist appointment to get the ultrasound and bone scan results we were listening to a CD that I enjoy, the words of many of the songs spoke to us, Rod particularly liked the song 'Holding you'. The album is called 'Every Falling Tear' by Matt Hammitt. I have included the link to that particular song here -

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oycQAghbFLw

The words in the song made us think about what we hold onto in our lives that make us feel secure. Prior to my diagnosis I held onto the fact that I lived a very healthy life which, according to much of the information out there, should have protected me from getting breast cancer -  my diet was very good, I exercised regularly, I had never felt healthier, I began having my children in my early twenties which I was told was a good thing, I nursed all of them, I had annual physicals, I didn't drink or smoke, I had mammograms and did my BSE on a regular basis. All of these may be good things to do but they didn't prevent me from a diagnosis of an aggressive breast cancer. As I go forward now then it is harder for me to put my confidence in these practices as ways to prevent a recurrence.

This could contribute to me turning into a 'jittery caribou'. I have many well intentioned people giving me information on a regular basis as to what caused the cancer and/or what to do to get rid of it or prevent it from recurring. I could be running all over the place after more 'insurance' while depleting my bank account and becoming stressed that I may have missed something I should have or shouldn't have been doing.

I like then the line in the song that goes -

It's not in what you hold onto, it's in the one who's holding you ...

I will continue to strive to live healthily in all aspects of my life but my confidence and trust will be placed in the One who is holding me and has been holding me all through this and all the other experiences in my life. I am safe in the arms of My Father - no matter what. This is where my peace and confidence lie as I move forward.

I would also like to share a quote I read recently and liked. The person the quote is attributed to is Richard Alvares -
Hope is hearing the melody of the future
Faith is dancing to it now.

Take care everyone.