Resistant, Reluctant, Realistic and Resigned

I met with my doctor on Monday afternoon. I have been resistant to the idea of taking longer to return to work following radiation. I want to get back to normal sooner rather than later. I miss being in the center of things at work, I always enjoyed and felt that I thrived on that. I feel that the longer that I am away the harder it will be to get back to where I am contributing and 'in the swing' of things.

I have been reluctant to admit to myself and others that I am once again very tired. The hemoglobin seems to have taken a hit again and I am back to napping and going to bed very early in the evening. I am also averaging 15 - 20 hot flashes any given day/night and that is not helping with the tiredness. My hands are very stiff and sore and the fingertips continue to be numb from the Taxotere. At Costco the other day I was trying to pick things up from the basket and kept dropping them due to the sudden pain in my right wrist on each attempt. It may or may not be related to the cording from the axillary lymph node dissection.

On Monday I had an early radiation treatment at 0800 followed by the Costco trip with Rod which was followed by a nap and then my afternoon appointments. By the time I saw the doctor I told her that even 'my aches were aching'. She reiterated that she felt it was too soon for me to be returning to work two weeks post radiation. She said she could not stop me but if I did it would be like discharging myself against medical advice.

After discussing everything I resigned myself to the fact that I probably wasn't ready for an April 1st return and allowed her to write a letter to my insurance company requesting an extension of my time off.  I must have been looking pretty discouraged because she said not to think of it as a failure on my part to return when expected but to have a paradigm shift and think of it as planning to return 'well'. She suggested that I get going with more rehab while I am off.

I will plan to do that. My last radiation treatment is on Friday, followed by a lunch out with some of my co-workers. Rod booked a flight for me to Cranbrook for Sunday where my three little 'trainers' will work with me as they did a year ago with planned rest periods and nutritious meals and snacks included. I look forward to my visit with Justin, Leah and kids :)

When I return I have a series of appointments that include some scans and another doctor visit to ensure I am doing OK and that I am able to continue with the Herceptin infusions.

Not what I had planned but I am past resistant and reluctant and I am now realistic and resigned that this is probably what is best. I don't have to be happy about it quite yet though.

Take care everyone.