The Green Eyed Monster

On the Thursday of our vacation we took it easy after the busy Wednesday, I find I have to guard my energy levels carefully these days and if I have an ambitious day I will need some time following to renew that energy. Ambitious is not what it used to be either ;).

I am learning to accept that and the other changes chemo has brought but I can't say that I am always happy with how I am impacted by these changes. Throughout our vacation my eyelashes and eyebrows could be found on my face in places that they shouldn't be, like sitting on my cheek or chin. Losing your hair on your head is one thing but when the eyebrows and eyelashes start to go, the eyes have a bit of an unframed look, appearing a little lost on the face.The time required to look 'normal' has become more of an effort and easier to see through if people look closely. On vacation, when it was just Rod and me alone, I often didn't make the effort and went for ease and comfort instead. That's where my problem started.

I had noticed in the restaurant the night before that Rod seemed to find Natalie very attractive. On Thursday afternoon, I decided to put on my other wig which for some reason I have called Halle and once again, I noticed that Halle was also getting the type of attention from Rod that Natalie had. By Friday morning, I was in a bit of a funk and realized that I was actually feeling a little jealous of both Natalie and Halle. By the time we were preparing to go to the Harbour House Restaurant in Sooke and I was once again transformed into Natalie, Rod casually mentioned that he didn't know 'who' he liked better - Natalie or Halle. This precipitated a pity party on my part where I told him that my preference would be that he liked Laura best. Poor man, how confused he must have been by that reaction.

Supper was lovely, in spite of my weird mood. Each course looked and tasted like it was a present, prepared especially just for us by the incredible cook. The finale was dessert and it definitely looked like a celebration on a plate. The waiter seemed to appreciate our appreciation of the meal and was very attentive throughout.

The following morning, Rod and I had a good heart to heart about how I was feeling and all was well as we prepared for a wonderful afternoon and early evening with Vic and Barb.

I realize that I have taken my identity for granted in the past, somehow believing I was defined and possibly of more value due to my appearance and the things that I accomplished in my personal life and through my work. What I have been learning through this process is that those things really don't define who I am. God made me and loves me just as I am, not because of any efforts on my part or any physical features I may or may not possess. This is something I can rest in as the changes continue. God is good.

Take care everyone.