And Then There Were Three

The weekend has been all I could have hoped for and more. So many good memories to pull out when I need them.

Yesterday, we had a relaxed morning with a breakfast featuring pumpkin cream cheese muffins that were started by Keiran and Leah at their home and finished up in my kitchen, making it smell wonderful once again and the muffins lived up to their promise completely. Now I also know how Keiran is becoming such a good count-er, he helped keep Leah on track as she measured out the ingredients with him.

In the afternoon, as has become my custom, I did not sleep alone during my nap. This time I shared my bed with Forrest who contentedly snuggled under my arm, his sweet baby sighs punctuated by his little toes moving in time with them. When he woke up, I expected he would be a little startled and possibly scared but instead I was rewarded with one of his huge trademark smiles - quite something when you consider it was his first time seeing the recipient of that smile bald ;).

Evening saw us having a make do supper along with Caleb and Leisha. The evening continued to our backyard where Justin had built a fire, we sat around the fire in the dark, drinking tea, roasting marshmallows and visiting.


It was an early morning today in order for us to be ready for The Run for the Cure. I was overwhelmed at the number of people there, it was a good thing Caleb was wearing a bra and a tutu or I'm not sure we would have found my coworkers, they spotted him first. That is one boy who has never minded getting attention! Many of our group ran the 5 km while others did the 1 km walk and others of us did the 5 km walk. Some, like my co-worker Lisa and her husband and Justin and Caleb did both the run and then the walk. There were bands, singers, jazzercizers and well wishes all along the way to keep us encouraged as we walked. Wonderful morning.

Caleb and Justin walking the 5K after running it

 Once home again it was full into preparations for the Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not quite sure what happened to the turkey but I'm afraid to say it almost looked like it had exploded in the roaster while we were out. The majority of the meat was salvageable and even tasted quite good but it certainly didn't have the appearance of the traditional bird that is carved at the table. Everyone pitched in and the meal was great, I am slowly learning that if my attitude is good and I can roll with the unexpected and the imperfect that, in the end, it is not the food that people actually remember, it is the good times spent together.

Now the house is seeming rather quiet with just the three of us again and I am starting to look to the week ahead. As I do I will leave with you this song I heard today called "Holding My World". It seems to sum up the theme of trusting and knowing that God is in control - a good place to be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?gl=CA&hl=en-GB&client=mv-google&v=nJfGCKD9g_4&nomobile=1

Take care, everyone

Thanksgiving

The weekend is finally here and it is going to be a good one.

Justin, Leah and kids arrived this evening, and this is how it started -

Keiran had already sung his ABC's to me within an hour of his arrival. While he and Lilly were having their bedtime snack at the table he began making loud squealing type noises.

Justin told him to stop with the admonition, "Nobody likes that".

Keiran  said,  "I do".

Justin's response, "But you don't count on this one".

Keiran didn't miss a beat with, ''I count", followed by a demonstration of just how well he did count. In fact, all the way up to twenty.

It was very difficult to try to keep a straight face through that exchange!

This should be a fun early Thanksgiving;)

Blessings

Today I attended the first meeting of a book club organized by my friend Dawn. She provided the first book for us to review as a gift to me shortly after my surgery. The name of the book is 'Birthmark' and the author is Suzanne Benner. I very much enjoyed reading this novel which centers around adoption and identity and discussing it today with the other ladies that attended. The highlight of today's session was having the author of the book stop by to answer questions and share in our discussion. She is a lovely lady and I enjoyed her answers to our questions and hearing the process of how the book came to be.

One of the other ladies who attended today knew of me through Dawn. Her husband is also going through  chemotherapy currently. It touched me that she brought a hand-made prayer shawl to give to me without even having met me. I look forward to getting to know her better over the months that we get together for the bookclub.

After the discussion ended,  I needed to leave for an appointment. The other ladies were getting ready to eat a lovely looking (and smelling) lunch. Those who know me and Rod were a little confused when I told them that the appointment was for my car. Normally Rod's business would take care of my automotive repairs and they found it strange that I needed to make an appointment with Rod to have my car worked on in the first place and second that he wouldn't understand if  I was late for it. That made me laugh! This appointment was for my windshield on the car I bought last October. In order to maintain the warranty I have to have the diamond finish 'revitalized' yearly and the appointment was at a local auto glass shop, The finish was an expensive add-on when I purchased the car and I wanted to make sure I made the October 8th deadline in order to not void the warranty. With chemo planned for Tuesday next week and us going away for the following week there was a small window to accomplish this. 

The 'revitalization' didn't take long, I wish there was a similar process for humans that could be done in a similar timeframe! ;). Once completed, the receptionist came over to me in the waiting room and handed me my keys, telling me my car was ready and I could go. I told her that  from information provided when the appointment was booked there was supposed to be a fee charged. She seemed surprised, went to have a look, responded that indeed there was and thanked me for reminding her. Little did she know that as I was driving over I happened to see a sign outside of a church that said something to the effect that an item stolen became a burden to the thief. I didn't need that! ;)

When I bought the car I was also persuaded to take out a disability insurance on my loan. I had never done this with previous purchases. This claim was one that I submitted a couple of weeks ago. It took quite a bit of work to gather all the information from work and my physicians that the company required. I was a little pessimistic that I probably wouldn't qualify as it seemed there was a lot of hoops to jump through and clauses that I felt could be used to deny a claim. I almost didn't submit the claim once I read through the forms they provided me.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. I returned the call and found out that my claim was approved! My car payments will be made for me for the period of my disability. The agent said they enjoyed giving good news to people and wished me well. I feel blessed :)

Take care everyone.

Trusting

Today I'm going to share another passage from the book 'Jesus Calling: A 365 Day Journaling Devotional' but as I share parts of today's devotion I am going to stop in places and comment.

It starts out like this -

Pour all of your energy into trusting Me. It is through trust that you stay connected to Me, aware of My Presence. Every step on your life-journey can be a step of faith.

Trusting can be difficult at times like this when things don't seem to go as planned. I gave some positives to the chemo delay of a week yesterday, I will add one here. My friend from Saskatchewan who was diagnosed in a similar time-frame to me is also having the same type of chemo protocol as me, including the Herceptin for one year. She started after me so has had one treatment and is at the hair falling out stage prior to next week's chemo. It seems that October 2nd will be the day we both go to the big girl chair next week and then, all going well, every three weeks again after that. While I wouldn't wish chemo on anybody, if you have to have it there is a nice feeling about knowing that someone that you've shared so many other experiences with in life is also going through their chemo on the very same day as you.

Baby steps of trust are simple for you; you can take them with almost unconscious ease. Giant steps are another matter altogether: leaping across chasms in semi-darkness, scaling cliffs of uncertainty, trudging through the valley of the shadow of death. these feats require sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment to Me.

Not much to add there except to say that knowledge of how low my neutrophil count has been and how susceptible I am to serious infection made me feel fairly vulnerable last evening and fear wanted to creep in. In addition, after I dropped off my prescription for the Neulasta at the pharmacy today, I received a phone call stating that my insurance company had refused it as they require a pre-authorization request to be submitted by my doctor. Without the pre-authorization I would be out of pocket almost $3,000 for just one shot and I will need three over the next few months. My doctor thought the pre-authorization had been done for me by her nurse when she gave me the prescription; it is now in process but may take ten business days which is right about when we will be leaving on our trip and I am supposed to have the shot three days post-chemo; the pharmacy needs time to order it in after receiving insurance approval. I need to give it to God and know that He is in control, my part is to put the situation in His hands and then to leave it there and trust Him (that's where the sheer concentration, as well as utter commitment parts come in).

Each of My children is a unique blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences. Something that is a baby step for you may be a giant step for another person, and vice versa. Only I know the difficulty or ease of each segment of your journey. Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your giant steps are only baby ones ...

That one hit home ;)

Do not judge others who hesitate, in trembling fear, before an act that would be easy for you. 

Guilty sometimes also, I wish I could say way back in my past but, unfortunately, not so long ago.

If each of my children would seek to please Me above all else, fear of others' judgments would vanish, as would attempts to impress others. Focus your attention on the path just ahead of you and on the One who never leaves your side.

How wonderful not to be alone on this journey. I am blessed in so many ways!

Take care, everyone.

No Chemo for You

I'm not sure how many people have watched the Seinfeld episodes with the 'soup nazi' who would adamantly say 'no soup for you!'.but today I was told by a very nice 'chemo nazi' that it wasn't safe to go ahead with chemo tomorrow due to my low neutrophil count so 'no chemo for you!'.

I am of two minds about this. I am happy to have a reprieve, however I had psyched myself up all weekend to get it and so it was a bit of a let-down to get the news. Everybody was also asking lots of extra questions and looking for the minutest signs of any infection, which is a little unnerving in itself.

I will have labwork again next Monday and if that is good, they will proceed  with chemo on Tuesday. This means that on the plus side, I will have several days this week to enjoy that I had kind of written off  as going to be post chemo non-productive days. I will feel better than I thought I would for the Race for the Cure and celebrating Thanksgiving early with family.

On the negative side is that I will only be four days post chemo when we fly out to Vancouver Island and I will have just had a shot on Friday that boosts the white blood cell count but in the process can cause severe bone pain.

I will take one day at a time and not borrow trouble, it will all work out and maybe Rod will have to wheel me around the tourist spots, if so, I will definitely need a seatbelt.


Take care everyone.

Further Confessions of a bald-headed lady

This weekend my relationships with three wonderful gentlemen were taken to new levels.

It started with Norman. Norman and I first met through his expertise in the autism field. He is the psychologist who has created the tools and started the workshops for young adults with Asperger's and High Functioning Autism. I would never have won the award last week for Leadership in the Autism Community had it not been for his work in this field, which he is passionate about and for which I now share a passion. Over the years that I have known Norman he has become a very good friend to both Rod and myself. I hadn't seen him for a few months until yesterday morning, he was at Rod's shop and just about to go on a test drive of a car with Rod. I have never hugged Norman before, but as I drove up it was so good to see him it just seemed the natural thing to greet each other with. My only fear following this encounter was that as Rod and Norman proceeded to spend the better part of the afternoon together the chili and chocolate cookies I had provided for Norman and family would not be edible after spending several hours in the car. I'm not sure why I didn't anticipate this given past experience in talking with him. Next time, I'll remember to pack any perishables provided well with ice. Sorry, Norman :(.

The second gentleman was Keiran. He has always been a very appreciative audience for my singing but last evening the tables were turned. I received a phone call from him. After greeting me he proceeded, with great pride, to serenade me with not one but two songs. The first was the ABC song which he sang in very good tune all the way through. This was followed by the song that he was going to sing at church this morning, The B-I-B-L-E. Once again, it was very recognizable and sung with great enthusiasm. I agreed with him that he now seems smart enough to go to school with Lilly, although I think they may require him to wait a few years anyway. By the way, he is also smart enough to know that if he pushes 're-dial' on the phone he can talk to the last person called. It was good to talk to you once again this morning, Keiran ;).

It seemed natural that, after the day I was having, Charlie and I should sleep together, which is exactly what happened. Charlie was a gentleman and waited patiently beside the bed until I invited him to join me. At that point he agilely (for a dog with three legs) jumped up onto the bed and snuggled in beside me, placing his paws on my hand as if we were holding hands and tucking his snout firmly under my arm. He was gentleman enough not to snore once,  however he was a little on the smelly side after the busy day he had. I kept that information to myself though, being the lady I was brought up to be ;)

Tomorrow will be another busy day starting with labwork at 0730 and an oncologist appointment following to see if I am once again OK'd to proceed with chemo number three on Tuesday. I have a physio appointment in the afternoon and I will need to squeeze in another visit to Costco afterwards as Tuesday's chemo is early this time. Good thing Charlie and I spent the majority of the morning resting together in the recliner, I think I needed that, even though he had to convince me this was the case ;).

Take care, everyone.

Looking Forward Once Again

I know that there are things I need to prepare ahead of time for my chemo on Tuesday but when I start those preparations then my mind can tend to focus on the chemo experience and I rob myself of the joy of today. With this in mind I thought that the message this morning in the devotional  book  'Jesus Calling - A Journaling Devotional'  was particularly appropriate -

Trust Me and refuse to worry, for I am your Strength and Song. You are feeling wobbly this morning, looking at difficult times looming ahead, measuring them against your own strength. However, they are not today's tasks - or even tomorrow's. So leave them in the future and come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you. Since I am your Strength, I can empower you to handle each task as it comes. 

Because  I am your Song, I can give you Joy as you work alongside Me.

 Just what I needed to read and it helped to focus me back on today - and what a beautiful day it has been.

Just as I have told others who have said to me that they don't think they would have the strength to go through some of the things I have gone through in my life, I haven't had the strength beforehand either but God has always been faithful to provide His strength when it was needed and I can trust and rest in Him and the knowledge that He will continue to be there for Me, as He has always been.

Take care, everyone.

Beauty

Here I am again with no idea of what I will title this post.

The weather has been absolutely beautiful and the scenery spectacular. As I drove home today I decided to drive along the ridge of the provincial park that borders our neighbourhood. People were out enjoying the weather, the mature trees were beautiful in their array of fall colour, leaves gently drifting to the ground where a carpet of gold awaited their arrival, seeming to reflect back the glow of the sun.

I am learning to pace myself but still finding that there were few days in this chemo cycle where I didn't experience some nausea, nothing overwhelming but a little disappointing as I head into the next round. Yesterday I rested in the morning, then dropped off my prescription for next week's medications at the pharmacy. I drove over to the Health Region site where our vendor was providing time to go over a computer application and any questions, etc. that we might have regarding it. It was a nice relaxed session starting with a bit of a prolonged lunch in the cafeteria with my co-workers and the vendor. We discussed multipe topics like recipes and finances, all sharing stories and experiences, very pleasant and 'normal', no one in any hurry to go to the classroom to start the session. In the evening I went over to the autism association for a meeting with the Asperger's Network group and was presented with my award for Leadership. (Yes, I won! :) It was an honor, all the sweeter for being unexpected.

Today I made chili in the slow cooker, washed some floors (after Robbie vacuumed for me) and did some laundry followed by a rest. This time when I went out I picked up the meds from the pharmacy and then drove to the University for the final assessment session with the BEAUTY program. I was given my results, they were phrased in a similar way as my results from my surgical pathology - could be worse but could be better ;). One thing I did like was that the front of the folder given to me had the words 'Laura' and 'Beauty' front and center, one right after the other, I can pretend it means other than the program, can't I? The twelve week program was explained a little more thoroughly to me and then I was taken through it, exercises all tailored to my needs, with modifications for red days and yellow days. Most of the red day activities can be done from a lying down position, this I liked ;)

By the end I was getting nauseated so decided not to push it by adding the trip to see my mother that I had planned. I took it easy on the drive home, just missing the rush hour traffic. Once home, it was nap time and I didn't wake up until Rod came home for supper, this time with Charlie. Charlie is Leisha's dog, we have been entrusted with his care for the weekend while Leisha and Caleb have gone to Edmonton to attend a wedding. Charlie has taken a definite liking to Rod, I may have to get him his own dog. We took Charlie for a nice long walk along the ridge at twilight and now he is comfortably esconsed across Rod's lap in the recliner, looking like he belongs there. Charlie is a springer spaniel with only three legs. We haven't heard the story of how this came to pass, but Rod has made some possible reasons up and tried them out on people, including a story that he lost the leg in a water-skiing accident. We will have to get the real story from Leisha.

Recenty, Rod was inspired to order a new bracelet for me that has pink beads for breast cancer and blue beads for colon cancer in it (in honor of my Dad). There are two charms,  one a ribbon symbol and another that says "Hope". He gave it to me last evening - an award and a present all in the same day!

A friend posted a saying on Facebook yesterday about hope that I enjoyed reading, she had borrowed it from someone else, so I will borrow it  from her as I close -

Hope works in these ways: it looks for the good in people instead of harping on the worst; it discovers what can be done instead of grumbling about what cannot; it regards problems, large or small, as opportunities; it pushes ahead when it would be easy to quit; it "lights the candle" instead of "cursing the darkness""- Anonymous

Charlie kind of exemplifies hope with how he copes with three legs; I feel a bit of a kinship with him in the missing parts department ;).

Take care, everyone.

Mikey Likes It :)

When I am around the house I tend to wear scarves or buffs and not bother with a wig; sometimes I am even known to walk around 'topless', which is what the breastcancer.org forum defines as 'without a headcovering'.

My son Kenny is 17 and can be quite honest, although he knows that if it isn't complimentary he may be best to keep his opinion to himself. He has been a sweetheart since my diagnosis. I have learned that it is best to share information with him ahead of time so that he knows what to expect. He knew about my surgery, my chemo and the hair loss and many other things ahead of time. He has given me lots of good hugs and taken chores upon himself without being asked. I really appreciate this.

Of our four boys Kenny is the one who I would describe as our 'Mikey', as in the Life cereal commercial. He has very distinct food likes and dislikes and these likes and dislikes also seem to transfer over to other areas.

Yesterday afternoon I had my second appointment with the GP who specializes in oncology. Again, there was quite a wait in the waiting room, but once I was in her office she gave me the impression that she had all the time in the world for me. We talked about how I was handling chemo and the side effects and about my Mom and many other things. I described my busy day where I ended up 'not being awesome' by the end of it and she told me that a strategy that is used in the BEAUTY program I am starting is a system for working with your energy levels on any given day or time. The system is red, yellow and green. A red time is when you have no energy and you give yourself permission to do only the absolute essentials. A yellow time you may have a little more energy but still have to scale back the activity and a green time is a good time to possibly try to accomplish a little bit more. She also said that this would be a good way to communicate to family what kind of day I was having so they could be prepared and accommodate accordingly.

Anyway, back to my story ;). After the appointment I hit rush hour traffic and didn't get home until after 6 p.m. There was still supper to make and so I didn't bother taking my wig off, but went right to work on food preparation. As we were all sitting down to our supper, Kenny looked up at me, said 'Nice wig' and then went went right back to eating. 'Mikey' likes it - that endorsement and the honesty behind it is priceless.

Take care, everyone.

Running around

This will be a short post today, I think I tried to do a little too much lately and ran out of gas this evening.

Yesterday was church in the morning, a nice lunch out with our friends Steve and Kris at Moxie's followed by a brief nap for me and then a trip over to the hospital to see my Mom. Mom had just had a shower so it was good timing. I put some curlers in her hair while Rod chatted with her. I took her laundry home, got it washed and dried and ready to bring back to her for today.

I am gradually feeling more comfortable wearing wigs and actually sometimes forget that I'm wearing one, a nice feeling as it means I am not self-conscious and able to relax and be 'me'.

This morning I went into work for a couple of meetings, it was so good to see everyone again, I miss them all very much. One person who I worked with more when I was in my former role of training stopped me and told me how much she liked my hair this way. Maybe eventually I will be able to smile and say thank you to compliments like that but I'm not quite there yet. I confessed that it was a wig. This lady's background is oncology so we had a bit of a chat, it was nice to talk with someone who was very familiar with chemo and the effects of chemo. As we parted, I loved the comment that she made to me and I hope that I can quote it properly. She said 'if your outward appearance is any indication of your inner strength then you are doing amazing'. This lady needs to start writing, what a way with words!

Once done with my work meetings and a little visiting with my co-workers I went home and changed to workout gear, grabbed some books and Mom's laundry, went to the post office, then drove over to the University for my fitness testing for the BEAUTY program. This program is funded by another program in the city called 'Wings of Hope'. Following this testing and one more two hour meeting to go through the results and a recommended program for me, I will have access to the 'clean gym' and twice weekly classes as well as bi-weekly sessions on topics such as sleep, diet and stress management. I look forward to it.

The testing was two hours and afterwards I went to the hospital to take Mom her clean clothes, return some library books and then headed to Costco. I thnk I actually remembered most of the things I didn't want to forget to buy this time and Kenny helped me get it all in from the garage. That is when the adrenalin I was running on abruptly left me. I don't think it helps that my blood pressure seems to continue to run on the low side, at today's testing it was 84/60 and 90/60 while at rest, maybe there's not enough stress in my life ;). Time for my trusty recliner and a review of those words on the card a bit ago that admonished me that 'it's OK not to be amazing some of the time'. This is definitely one of those times.

Take care everyone.

Us Shallow Gals

On Thursday of this week I went for a physiotherapy appointment to help with my right arm and pain issues related to cording that occurs sometimes when lymph nodes are removed. I had a student physiotherapist assess me with a licensed physiotherapist acting as her mentor. I continue to be impressed with the quality of education that students in the health care fields are getting these days and also with the mentorship provided by those who are already working in the profession.

Friday found me having a busy day of running errands in the morning, then meeting Ev and Vicki for a nice, relaxed lunch. Even with fast food I find that it is not difficult to eat healthy. While on vacation we stopped at a Subway and found that all the subs offered also come without the bread or condiments as salads, customization welcomed. Rod has also found this at mexican restaurants like Mucho Burrito where he orders a bowl that has the meat and toppings, without the tortilla shells. The reason I mention this is that there was a Pita Pit restaurant close to Compassionate Beauty where we decided that we would meet and eat. All the fillings that would go into the pitas are also offered as salads, which is what we all ended up having, with bottled water to drink. Following lunch, there was still some time so we ended up in Ev's car, driving to her daughter and son-in-law's house and going on an impromptu tour. They bought an older home in a great neighbourhood and are upgrading, lots of work done already, the refinished hardwood floors kind of stole my attention, they were beautifully done.

We then headed back over to the Tim Horton's in the same area and chatted some more over mint tea. As Vicki left she pulled out a bag of my favorite black licorice and handed it to me. Obviously she has been reading my blog ;). What a wonderful treat for Rod and I to share this morning.

My appointment at Compassionate Beauty was all I had hoped it would be. It had been recommended to me by the nurse navigator at the Breast Health Clinic to wait for 2 - 3 months to allow for adequate healing prior to having a prosthesis fitted. This was the day. I could have gone to a few drugstores or home medical supply companies in the city for this but that didn't feel quite right and I wondered about the degree of attention or privacy I would get. When I walked into Compassionate Beauty I was greeted by the receptionist who is a fellow breast cancer survivor, very warm and friendly. Lydia was my fitter and she immediately made me feel comfortable, at home and her demeanour showed me that this was one lady who knew what she was doing. I was taken to a private room and we went to work. It was like having my sister or best friend with me, only one that had real expertise in this area. One comment she made as she fitted me that brought a smile to my face was  in reference to "...us shallow gals'. Hmmm, never thought of myself in quite that way before, but so be it. I walked out wearing the prosthesis and new bra, feeling more comfortable than I had since the surgery. Best part is that there is a program in our province that pays 75% of the prosthesis and fitting fee so I was left with a negligible amount that my other insurances will cover. I was also told that the massage that I was going to use my gift certificate for is fully covered by my insurance as long as I have a prescription for it from my doctor, I just happen to have one. That means I get to use my gift certificate from Carol and girls for one or more of the cute hats that I spied while in the store. Double bonus!

On top of this, I was fitted for a lymphedema sleeve and gauntlet for my right arm, they will be ready for me in time for flying to Vancouver Island in October. The cabin pressure in an airplane can trigger swelling and potentially lymphedema so these garments are advised as a preventative measure.This will also be covered by insurance. Wonderful that it doesn't have to come out of pocket, I am appreciating the insurance more and more, even with all the paperwork involved.

As I was leaving, Lydia made a joke that she must have thought better of as she apologized for joking about such a serious matter. I winked at her and told her that was OK, us 'shallow gals' tend to use humor like that.

Take care, everyone.

Sharing the Struggles

I try to stay as positive as possible both in my posts and in my everyday life but I wanted to take a little time today to talk about some of the things that are not so easy so you don't think I've sprouted wings and a halo.

When I go out in public and have a scarf or turban on, I try to look people in the eye and I find that many people avoid looking at me in places like grocery stores. That is difficult for me as I feel that I am making them uncomfortable by my presence, possibly reminding them that cancer can and does strike anybody.

Due to the lack of eye contact in public places I think it encourages a bit of a 'patient' mentality within me. At the cancer center I now feel like I belong and fit in better with people there. Other patients will compliment me on a scarf or hat, we all look each other in the eye with an 'I know' kind of look. I appreciate this and yet I also don't want to get too comfortable in this environment or in the patient role.

Sometimes, with acquaintances, I feel self-conscious as Natalie or in a scarf or other head covering, wondering if they are distracted by my appearance. This, along with the fact that my mouth is now drier from chemo and my lips tend to stick to my teeth when talking, can tend to make me a little more unsure of myself when I'm with them ;).

I dislike seeing pity on some people's faces or hearing it in their tone when they greet me . I don't want to be pitied and I hope that I do not conduct myself in a way that would encourage others to pity me. I feel that I am doing what I need to do to get better. While I am in treatment I am trying to enjoy every day and the time that I have now to reconnect with friends and family and old hobbies and activities long neglected. I love sewing, walking and reading and want to pursue gardening and quilting. I have always loved looking at recipe books and I now have lots of time to try new recipes out.  Fall has also always been one of my favorite times of year and I plan to enjoy and appreciate this one thoroughly.

I don't want to be a burden to Rod. We have always been such strong people in a strong marriage. It is difficult to now need his help and graciously accept it; it is also difficult to have him help me when I don't feel I need help and I want to do something myself for normalities sake. Most of all, I don't want to see the attraction I see in his eyes to diminish.

A Victoria's Secet catalog arrived in the mail yesterday along with a wig catalog. The Victoria's Secret catalog brought with it the illusive air-brushed promise of perfection whose unattainability mocks me more with each passing year and each procedure my body goes through. The wig catalog was a reminder of what 'is' currently and the increasing effort and expense of  trying to appear 'normal'.

There, some of the things I struggle with shared.

In closing I am going to share this video that really touched me, both the music and words to the song  'The Rose' and this gentleman who overcame his own struggles to perform it. I have been privileged to meet many people with Asperger's and High Functioning Autism who have similar struggles as this man but also have their own gifts to share with the world. My hope is that all of us will learn more to look beyond the surface and our initial impressions to see and appreciate the real person beneath.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1T9-I3wx8I

Take care everyone 

Blue Skies

Today is a beautiful, slightly crisp fall like day with a very blue sky and the sun is shining brightly. That, in and of itself,  helps so much as far as feeling good. I still have some bouts of low grade nausea but it is pretty bearable and it's not stopping me from getting out and about yesterday and today.

I decided that this was another good opportunity to be thankful -

• For good friends and family, always!
• For the wonderful customer that gave my husband a week at her cabin on Vancouverr Island in October, we are looking forward to being able to get away and enjoy that week thoroughly.
• For aeroplan miles which have covered our plane tickets.
• For Hannigan Honey, which I have discovered makes my greek yogurt taste just like the favorite Greek honey yogurt I used to get at Costco but they don't carry anymore. We may have to stock up again on our honey supply, I also found a recipe that uses honey in a refrigerator oatmeal with Greek yogurt that I can't wait to try for Saturday morning. 
• For my car, which makes me feel very safe on the roads, love the backup camera on the rear view mirror, so glad I bought it last year.
• For hot baths after nippy evening walks followed by a heating pad conveniently placed in the microwave by my husband as I sprint (as fast as someone post-chemo can sprint ;) for the bath.
• For physiotherapy for my right arm, so helpful.
• For finally rounding up all my insurance documents and successfully submitting them in the past two days, now my job is done, it is in their hands.
• For not having the worry or stress that I need to work while doing chemo and I still have a great job and team to go back to afterwards.
• For the strawberry plant in our backyard that keeps providing the sweetest strawberries for me.
• For my mother's continued improvement in her health and for all those that are helping out with her.
• For week 3's post chemo, this time I'm planning a massage on the Friday before the next chemo. Thank you Carol, Adana, Mandy, and Lexi :)

Take care everyone!

This Ceiling is Getting Lower All the Time ...

I feel like I am emerging from my chemo week, what a difference a day can make. Last evening I was still nauseated and actually had to take something again in the middle of the night. Then, this morning, I felt pretty good, all things considering and it has been a good day.

The title of today's post reflects what I have been thinking and reading about today and it all came together for me when Kenny was helping me put away my Costco purchases (yes, I did make it there! :). He followed me downstairs and as he hit his head on the roof of the lower part of the basement that is under the family room he said "This ceiling is getting lower all the time!". That's one way of looking at things I guess but it made me realize that there is often more than one way of looking at a situation, how we are looking at it may just be our own perception of it and can impact how we experience it.

I first started thinking about this after I was contacted by another lady in the city who has just received a breast cancer diagnosis and will be having surgery next week. She is single and has a needle phobia and she is very afraid at the moment. My heart goes out to her. At this point in time for her, it seems to her that her life is over. I hope to be able to help influence her to change her perception and see things differently as things progress on her own breast cancer journey.

I have been reading a book by a hospital chaplain who has had her own experience with breast cancer. The book is called "It's Not About the Hair: and Other Certainties of Life & Cancer" by Debra Jarvis.

In one chapter Debra is talking of an elderly gentleman who is having chemotherapy for esophageal cancer. She describes her talk with him here -

"I'm not afraid to die now," he said. "But I hope this chemo works. There's still some livin' I want to do."

His hope for healing was not born out of fear of death, but love of life. This is a very good thing. When people love life more than they fear death, they come to treatment with open hands, open hearts, open eyes. When people fear death more than they love life, they come clinging and clutching and grasping. Holding the breath. Furrowing the brow...

Before I left I squeezed his hand and said, "You are your own medicine..." '

Another excerpt from the book, again pertaining to how we perceive things -

'Words are powerful ...

"Hi, I'm here for my poison." I had a patient who used to say that every time he came in for his chemo. Then he'd paste a big bitter smile on his face. He was angry and depressed and his docs were having a hard time getting his side effects under control.

One day his daughter and two-year-old granddaughter came in with him. There was a lot of jostling around and rearranging of chairs, so he didn't make his usual dramatic announcement about getting his poison.

His granddaughter looked like she belonged in a Ralph Lauren ad. She had a nest of shiny dark curls surrounding her face, red cherubic lips and stunning dark blue eyes. She was a gorgeous child ...

...She cuddled up next to him with her bottle and her blanket and he put his arm around her. His nurse started his chemo and left.

"Papa's good juice," she said pointing to his IV line. Well, it's true that Doxil is red and really does look like juice.

He looked at her and laughed. "Yes, that's Papa's juice. Papa's good juice" ...

After that day, I never again heard him call his chemo "poison." And you can say what you want about how they finally found the right anti-nausea drugs for him or adjusted his chemo, but he never again complained of nausea.'

So Kenny, is the ceiling really getting lower? ;)

Take care, everyone

Slow Sunday

It was a slow start to the morning today, I was glad not to have to be anywhere and to be able to take my time. As it was, I got ready for the day in two takes, first was the shower, teeth and makeup followed by a rest and then another effort for dressing and becoming Natalie. As I climbed the stairs I remembered the feeling of 'slogging through mud' from my first chemo, so good to know that feeling didn't last and neither would this one.

Caleb contacted us earlier in the week to ask if we would have lunch with him and Leisha today, I was definitely looking forward to lunch as we drove there. We decided to go to an Original Joe's that is close to the office where I work as I thought it would not be very busy on a weekend, mostly catering to a lunch time office crowd. I was wrong. There was a car show across from the restaurant today that we hadn't anticipated so service was a little slow, but it allowed us to have a nice, non-rushed visit while we waited for our food. It is so nice to move into different relationships with your children as they grow older, I love watching my boys and being amazed at how well they are conducting their lives and themselves, it is very humbling to see how gracious God has been in overlooking my own inadequacies in raising them and helping them to grow into the young men they are today. I will say that Leisha is delightful ;)

I did go into the office so I could drop off a form I need for insurance and print another couple of forms from my work email but the rest of the afternoon was spent as a couch potato, the weather cooperated by being gusty and eventually raining, adding one more excuse for staying put inside.

I am looking forward to more energy tomorrow, we'll see whether it is a Costco day or not, but I do have hope that it will be a turning point in my post chemo treatment 2 recovery and that things will just get better leading up to chemo 3 (at which point I will be halfway through the 'heavy-duty' stuff, ready to take on Taxotere/Herceptin and say goodbye to the FEC portion. I will be ready.

Take care everyone, thanks so much for the many ways you have supported and encouraged me, it means so much.

Odds, Ends and Observations

Yesterday was a bit of a slower paced day, but I am learning to take it in stride and not fight it (this time anyway ;)

During the evening Rod and I went on another walk which, for me, was fairly quickly followed by turning in for the night. I slept another of the 12 hour sleeps that may become common-place for day 4/5 chemo weeks and had some weird dreams mixed in with the sleep, this time of having to show identification to get in and out of people's houses and people not believing I was the same person as the photo on my passport. Must be related to the big changes in my appearance that have been occurring since the start up of chemo.

Rod made me laugh this morning when he said that he had a sudden realization during the night that an intruder might get quite a shock coming into our bedroom. With my bald head and wide assortment of pillows and props for getting comfortable (inclusive of a neon pink sleepmask) and his receding hairline showing above his sleep apnea mask, connecting via a long tube to the machine that makes it all work the unsuspecting intruder might well think they had entered another dimension, or that an alien invasion had taken place!

As I got ready for the day this a.m., I noticed that I was a little shaky and that I seem to require a similar amount of rest as time required to perform an activity, making me anticipate that this will need to be another non-ambitious day for me. As I looked in the mirror, I think I was beginning to see the signs of the steroids in a bit of a moon face. I also find it oddly amusing that if I need to pluck a stray eyebrow it is a simple matter of pulling it gently out with my fingers and that the grey hairs on my head seem to be more stubborn (younger?) than the dark ones in releasing. Some of them are remaining, sticking up in odd places, remniscent of an ostrich head, not the most becoming image overall but nonetheless a humorous one.

 I was very pleasantly surprised to receive not one but two beautiful floral arrangements within the last two days, they appear to have been made to complement each other, unbeknownst by the senders. One is from my husband's accountant and his wife and one is from my son Caleb's good friend and his wife. Having them on display makes spending time in my trusty recliner something to anticipate.



 You'll notice there is some laundry in the background of the picture, I am telling myself this is OK, while I haven't gotten to putting it away, it is folded ;)

A good day three

Last evening I used the gravol during the night every four hours and had a good sleep, then switched to the maxeran for the day. That seemed to work well for me and I feel like I had a very productive, good day. My sister-in-law Carol may disagree with me regarding my definition of productive as what I was able to accomplish in one day she could probably accomplish in an hour or too, but this is my story ;)

I made several phone calls in the morning, answered emails, washed three loads of laundry, emptied the dishwasher and reloaded and assisted 'Robbie' with the vacuuming.

One of the phone calls I received today was to inform me that I had been nominated for an award for my work with Autism. What an honor, whether I go on to win the award or not, it feels good to be recognized.

I needed to run a few errands this afternoon and I wasn't sure how my energy would hold out. I planned my route carefully for efficiency's sake. First stop was the dental office to pick up a form for some recent work for Rod for insurance purposes. While this is also my dentist (even before Rod started going there) I had to introduce myself (Natalie) to the dentist's wife, who is his receptionist ;)

I also needed to pick up some more protein powder and supplements at the health food store, found what I needed quickly and was out of there in about 5 minutes.

Next was a return at Costco. I was prepared for a long lineup for returns but instead was able to walk right up to the counter. The return was for the wrong type of printer ink cartridge, I am using the printer a lot more now that I am home and last time I was there picked up some more, but for the wrong model.  I took a picture this time on my phone, not trusting my 'chemo brain' and managed to find the right ink cartridges and get in line to pay. There were three ladies in front of me and they were dividing the items in their cart between them. When they saw me with just the ink cartridges they told me to go ahead of them. This I liked. I actually managed to get all my errands run including the driving in less than an hour.

I returned home to the smell of chicken baking which was a good sign as I had preset the oven and it was actually behaving for me. I did a few more things before sitting down, then talked to Robin for a bit as she drove home from work, which is a bit of a jaunt for her (she is also someone who is very efficient and uses hands free calling). She had a good day also and we had a pleasant chat.

This was followed by a one hour nap and then I got up to finish supper preparations.

The day was completed by a nice 'brisk' (for me) walk with Rod for about an hour as the sun was setting and now I am back in the recliner with my comfort quilt. The dishwasher has just come on, I preset it for two hours after I filled it in case more dishes were used. Have I mentioned in previous posts how much I am appreciating my modern conveniences? ;)

Prepared for day 4 and 5 to be a little more like last time with less energy but feel that I can handle that better this time knowing that things will improve and that today was a good one.

Take care everyone.

One more down ...

I made it once again ;) Chemo treatment #2 completed yesterday afternoon, my neutrophils decided to behave themselves.

Yesterday was also Rod and my 30th wedding anniversary, we are definitely going to have to make up for this one and do it up right when we celebrate next year's anniversary.

I found I was a little more emotional this time around when it came to being taken to the treatment area by Sue, my nurse at the beginning. I think it was because I knew a little more what I was in for and that the administration part of the chemo, for me, is not the most difficult part, it is the evening and night that follows. I was feeling so good for the past week that it was difficult to once again place myself in the chemo area. I was given a bed this time, which was a nice change from last time and I made sure that I drank a lot before, during and after the chemo.

Sue worked in ICU back when I worked in Emergency and Day Medicine, I'm sure I delivered patients to her from Emergency at times. Very reassuring to know that once again, I had an experienced nurse working with me. A definite answer to prayer.

Sue also has three boys in their twenties, who all played hockey, one more thing we had in common and helped make me comfortable with her.

I started the chemo at 3:30 and we left the area about 6 pm. I took a gravol at 6:30 as we were driving home. Once home Rod and I made a quick supper and then went out for a good walk. Shortly after returning from the walk I began to feel everything hit me, it wasn't so much nausea this time as a very 'spacy' head with some ringing in the ears and wanting to lie down and sleep, which I did, making sure that I had my comfort quilt hugging me and my 'bubble' picture from Lilly and Keiran spread out in front of me. The timing of the arrival of this picture could not have been more perfect.
Bubble painting was an item on Lilly's Long  List of Things to Do this Summer (I took a little license in the name of the list).

Lilly added a verse to the painting that I read over and over, the verse is 2 Kings 20:5 - This is what the Lord says, I have heard your prayer and I will heal you.

The other verse I kept quoting was Phillipians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I did manage to sleep for most of the night with the worst time between 1:45 and 2:30, before I could take another dose of gravol, definitely better than last time. Now that I feel that the worst part of the nausea has passed I have switched to the maxeran for the day time hours, so I am not so sleepy. I'll use the gravol again during the night.

One thing that we didn't plan very well was transportation. I picked Rod up from his business with my car, and I was impaired on the way home so could not drop him off to drive his own truck home. As a result Rod has my car today and I had the perfect excuse to stay home and lounge around for the day.

Now to get moving a little more.

Take care everyone.

Ready ... or not

Right now my house smells heavenly!

Jane gave me a wonderful Slow Cooker Apple Butter recipe today after I asked her for it during an amazing brunch yesterday (more on brunch later). The recipe inspired me to go out and pick a bowlful of ripe apples this afternoon, then peel and quarter them. They are now simmering away in the slow cooker, the cinnamon, cloves and allspice enhancing the aroma. They will simmer all night for 12 hours before the next step in the recipe. I can think of all sorts of food to go with the apple butter, for some reason oatmeal is at the front of the line. Maybe a good pre-chemo breakfast?

In addition to the apple butter aroma, Rod just finished making us the yummiest omelettes with sautéed sweet red paper, chopped spinach, bacon and mushrooms incorporated into them.  I have Scentsy Sunkissed Citrus (from Deanna) in the warmer beside me as I write, helping me to relax and enjoy the evening.

I took Rod out to the Saskatoon Farm again on Saturday for brunch, which was thoroughly enjoyed. Rod chose Mexican with a chimichanga and I went with the belgian waffle, whipped cream and saskatoon berry sauce (the menu assured me it was non-fattening - they wouldn't lie, would they?)

Sunday found us brunching again, this time with Kelvin and Jane and Brian. We made several attempts before we found this little cafe called 'Big Fish', but we were sure glad that we ended up there. Everything on the menu looked so good, it was hard to make up my mind as to what I was going to have. I don't think it would have mattered, the food was incredible. We all chose differently and none of us was disappointed.

I was very stiff and sore all weekend from my testing on Thursday, in retrospect I do think I overdid it but I didn't want them to think I was a wimp. I continue to pay for that, but still managed to get in some good walks. My right arm is very sore from the presses, no swelling but tight so I am using heat on it and stretching. The testing is supposed to occur pre-op, I think I will give them some input on modifications to use in the future if they decide to test anyone else postop and post initial chemo.


Tomorrow morning I will go and get my bloodwork done. I am hoping that I managed to up my neutrophil count, I want chemo treatment 2 over and done sooner than later. I have my premeds ready and this time I also have Gravol for post chemo, I will take it proactively right before we head home. When I asked if I could use Gravol post chemo at my Friday appointment, the same nurse that suggested my nausea was due to anxiety told me that she didn't recommend it as it would make me sleepy. Hmmm! Nausea vs. sleepy - I think I will choose sleepy for a day or two, given that Dexamethasone is supposed to cause sleep problems.

I will do the Costco grocery shop on the way home from the bloodwork and get that taken care of, then I will plan to be back at 3:30 for the chemo. Judging from last time and when nausea set in at five hours post chemo, it reinforces that sleeping vs. nausea is the way to go!

Wish me luck!