Sharing the Struggles

I try to stay as positive as possible both in my posts and in my everyday life but I wanted to take a little time today to talk about some of the things that are not so easy so you don't think I've sprouted wings and a halo.

When I go out in public and have a scarf or turban on, I try to look people in the eye and I find that many people avoid looking at me in places like grocery stores. That is difficult for me as I feel that I am making them uncomfortable by my presence, possibly reminding them that cancer can and does strike anybody.

Due to the lack of eye contact in public places I think it encourages a bit of a 'patient' mentality within me. At the cancer center I now feel like I belong and fit in better with people there. Other patients will compliment me on a scarf or hat, we all look each other in the eye with an 'I know' kind of look. I appreciate this and yet I also don't want to get too comfortable in this environment or in the patient role.

Sometimes, with acquaintances, I feel self-conscious as Natalie or in a scarf or other head covering, wondering if they are distracted by my appearance. This, along with the fact that my mouth is now drier from chemo and my lips tend to stick to my teeth when talking, can tend to make me a little more unsure of myself when I'm with them ;).

I dislike seeing pity on some people's faces or hearing it in their tone when they greet me . I don't want to be pitied and I hope that I do not conduct myself in a way that would encourage others to pity me. I feel that I am doing what I need to do to get better. While I am in treatment I am trying to enjoy every day and the time that I have now to reconnect with friends and family and old hobbies and activities long neglected. I love sewing, walking and reading and want to pursue gardening and quilting. I have always loved looking at recipe books and I now have lots of time to try new recipes out.  Fall has also always been one of my favorite times of year and I plan to enjoy and appreciate this one thoroughly.

I don't want to be a burden to Rod. We have always been such strong people in a strong marriage. It is difficult to now need his help and graciously accept it; it is also difficult to have him help me when I don't feel I need help and I want to do something myself for normalities sake. Most of all, I don't want to see the attraction I see in his eyes to diminish.

A Victoria's Secet catalog arrived in the mail yesterday along with a wig catalog. The Victoria's Secret catalog brought with it the illusive air-brushed promise of perfection whose unattainability mocks me more with each passing year and each procedure my body goes through. The wig catalog was a reminder of what 'is' currently and the increasing effort and expense of  trying to appear 'normal'.

There, some of the things I struggle with shared.

In closing I am going to share this video that really touched me, both the music and words to the song  'The Rose' and this gentleman who overcame his own struggles to perform it. I have been privileged to meet many people with Asperger's and High Functioning Autism who have similar struggles as this man but also have their own gifts to share with the world. My hope is that all of us will learn more to look beyond the surface and our initial impressions to see and appreciate the real person beneath.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1T9-I3wx8I

Take care everyone