Lesson learned

First of all, I wanted to let people know that I have added my pre and post op experiences to the blog posts, under the dates of June 29th and June 30th.
On to last evening and today.
Last evening, thinking I was ready to prepare for the next phase of my treatment, I decided to research the various types of chemotherapy. I read about every chemo drug and all their side effects and it was pretty unnerving, these are very toxic medications, created to kill rapidly growing cells. Not a good bedtime story type of activity.
To top it off, I decided I was curious about my surgery. I'm not feeling much muscle under the skin of my upper chest.. Silly me searched youtube for a video on modified radical mastectomy to see if what I was feeling in the operative area was 'normal' and I watched a video of the surgery all the way through.
By the time I was done, I was nauseated and shaky. I asked Rod to help me upstairs to our room. I had several moments where I wasn't sure supper was going to stay down and I couldn't stop shaking. Once washed up and settled into bed with a basin close by 'in case' I told Rod what I had been doing. Rod prayed with me and turned on my iPad music.. I fell asleep to that and felt much better when I next awakened.
I would never do this again, and I would advise others in similar circumstances not to do what I did. Once my pathology is known, the oncologist/tumor board will advise on the best chemotherapeutic agents to use in my case, I did not have to research all of them at the same time.
Similarly,  when I see my surgeon for my postop appointment I can ask him then what was done and he will explain what and why at that time, what 'is' is not going to change by my researching what is 'normal'.
I am now focused back on the 'now' and on doing what I need to do to get better today. I went for a short walk outside yesterday with Rod and friends along the ridge of the provincial park our neighbourhood borders. The view from there is lovely, it's been raining a lot lately, so everything is very green and people living across from the ridge have beautiful landscaping for me to admire. I plan to do this again today.
I am also continuing to do all my arm exercises and progress is definitely being made.
The tops I bought prior to surgery with my 'sister' are doing great service for me, making me feel I am looking OK and feeling comfortable, as well.
I do have to say however, that at the end of the day, when it's just me and my pajamas looking back at me in the bedroom mirror at night that I can't help but smile a little. If anyone knows of auditions taking place for the play 'Victor/Victoria' I do think that I would be a shoe-in physically for the part, right down to the hair. And I sing ;)